I wish I had a poetic line to explain this feeling, but I don’t.
I have nothing but emptiness inside my chest. I have a hand that hasn’t been held in years and lips that haven’t been touched without the lingering taste of alcohol. I haven’t been loved, truly loved, in far too long.
I don’t remember what it feels like to be wanted or adored. I don’t remember what it feels like to wake up next to someone I truly love and couldn’t imagine living my life without. I don’t remember what it feels like to be held when I’m sad or kissed when I’m happy. I don’t remember any of that.
But I do remember the last time I felt inadequate and worthless. I remember the last time I felt over looked and the last time I felt horrible about myself. I remember the last time I tried to make something out of nothing because I felt so lonely.
Loneliness has a sneaky way to slowly make its presence felt in your life. It makes me feel a darkness I don’t like to admit to feeling. It makes me feel hopeless and it makes me hate myself. It brings out a side of me that I don’t like and I don’t want to know.
It makes me question everything about myself, including the things I love. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough and that I’m unlovable, even when I know those things aren’t true.
Loneliness makes me feel like I’ll never be happy and the world is just crashing down on me. All I see is happy couples and I long for their connections and relationships. It makes me curse them and want to find the saddest song on my library to play on repeat.
Loneliness is ugly and it’s dark and it’s alienating.
It makes you feel so ungodly alone in a world that’s full of people. Everyone has someone, then there’s you alone in a crowded room. You can’t find anyone to reach out and comfort you. You can’t find anyone to soothe your soul and makes you feel happy.
You’re left with a rotting hole in your chest that feels like it’ll never be full. You feel like you’re screaming at the top of your lungs but no one can hear you. You feel like everyone around you is speaking a different language and you just can’t communicate. You feel lost and alone. You feel misunderstood and heart-broken.
You feel like you’re the only one feeling this pain and struggling through this deep, dark loneliness, but you’re not.
I can promise you you’re not alone in this feeling.
The dark waters you’re swimming in are filled with others just like you, but you just can’t see each other. But one day the sun will come out and the dark will turn to day and you will feel the loneliness lift up and you will see you were never really alone. You will see things will be okay and the world isn’t so dark and dreary, but until that day keep moving forward, you never know when the sun will come out.
Loneliness is cruel and painful, but the light that will soon shine on you will make even your darkest days seem not so bad.