It’s Getting Harder To Outrun The Sting Of Loneliness

Nina Geometrieva
Nina Geometrieva

The loneliness used to only creep in at night when the four walls became silent and the house was still. I’d lay awake in bed thinking of you, but still be able to push you out of my thoughts when I rested my head on my pillow.

The loneliness used to only come when the darkness blanketed the sky and a sad song came on in the car. It was like a piece of you was with me in the car on the open road. All it took was a melody to remind me of you, of home.

But now it’s becoming harder to outrun the sting of loneliness.

I can’t escape you in the morning when I make my cup of coffee and sit on the couch. I can’t escape you when the sun is shining and I’m hanging my clothes on the line. I can’t escape you when I’m out at dinner with my friends and I secretly wish you were by my side.

You’re everywhere and the aching in my heart for you is growing larger with every passing day.

I thought I was stronger than this, I told myself I didn’t need you, that I would be fine without you and for a while I was.

For a while I was happy on my own, I was enjoying all the time I had to myself, I thought this was the freedom I’ve been craving, but now it’s getting harder.

With each passing day the time apart from you is making it more challenging and I’m homesick for you. I have a lump in my throat that I can’t ever seem to swallow and a pain in my chest that feels like a broken heart with no hopes of healing anytime soon.

I try to stay strong, I put a smile on my face and laugh as I pretend that everything is okay, but inside it’s not. Inside I was to scream for you, I want to cry and run back to your arms. I want to forget about our past and start over. I don’t want to live another passing moment without you.

The loneliness is swallowing me whole and I don’t know how to escape it.

I try to drink to numb the pain, but every night you still show up and since you’re there I tell myself I’ll start over again tomorrow. Somewhere far away from here in hopes your memory won’t show up to fill me head of memories of you.

The loneliness is becoming more difficult to escape, but now a part of me doesn’t want to escape. Part of me has found a comfort living in your memory, or embracing the pain I feel because then I at least feel something and I feel you.

I feel you on the radio when our old song comes on and I pull the car over to sob in my arms. I feel you when the cold window blows past at night and I’m walking alone on the street, being reminded you used to be there by my side.

The loneliness has checked in to it’s temporary home, but sooner or later I’ll come to accept that you’re gone and you’re not coming back. Sooner or later I will forget the way you smelled and what your kiss felt like. Sooner or later my body will stop craving your touch. They say it takes seven years for your skin to regenerate, so sooner or later I’ll forget you.

Until then, I’ll let the loneliness stay a little while in order to keep your memory alive. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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