The Thought Of You Loving Someone Else Is Killing Me

Sophia Sinclair
Sophia Sinclair

I know we were never in love. I know we never labeled our relationship, but even the thought of you with someone else kills me and it’s been months since we’ve been together. It makes me feel like I’m falling into a dark hole I can’t climb out of.

Technically I shouldn’t have these feelings because you were never technically mine, but screw that because no one actually knows how much you mean to me, even after all this time.

I don’t want to think about her waking up in your bed, I don’t want to see pictures of the two of you on Facebook, even the thought of you kissing someone else goodnight eats away at me.

I don’t want someone else to love you because that means you’re really gone. It means there’s really no chance for us to ever be something more.

I cling to the fact that you’re there, I think about you every day and part of me wants to call you and tell you that. I want to tell you that I can’t stop thinking about you and that more than anything I want to be by your side because the mornings I woke up next to you were the happiest mornings I had in a while. I want to tell you that on bad days you’re the only one I want to sit on the couch with and talk to. I want to tell you when I want to go out to the bar you’re the one I want to go with. I want to tell you when I just want to talk to someone about their day it’s always you, it’s always you.

But every time I go to dial you’re number I can’t press call. Every time I type a message letting you know how I feel I instantly backspace and erase it all in fear you’ve found someone new. In fear that my words will not do how I’m feeling justice.

I want to run home to you, I want to jump in your arms and tell you I never want to let go because the thought of you with someone else is slowly eating away at me.

The thought of it makes me feel worthless, like somewhere I went wrong.

I can’t help but feel like you were made for me, but the timing was off. We both had dreams to follow and we both knew it was in each of our best interests to let each other go. But the thought of coming home and seeing you with someone else has been weighing on my mind. The thought of you with someone new would slowly start breaking me.

I don’t want to see pictures of you with another girl around your arm because I used to be that girl on your arm. I don’t want to see you ‘like’ her tweets because you still always ‘like’ mine. And more than anything on social media, it’s the thought of actually seeing you together with someone in person that would kill me. The thought of seeing someone else by your side, laughing with you and kissing you would feel like my heart would be getting ripped out by the only person I trust with it.

I know it’s been months and I can’t ask you to hold on to the thought of me, but I miss you terribly. I know it’s selfish to ask you not to be with anyone else, but I’m still clinging to the little ounce of hope I have that we might end up together.

The thought of you loving someone new is killing me because when I return home I never want to walk away from you again. TC mark

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

“It’s just wondrous how every time I go through some emotional trauma, your posts are so relatable and it gives me so much hope. I love the writing and the photos. It’s all a pleasure to read. I can’t thank you enough for it, really.” — DM from @ThoughtCatalog Instagram follower

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