Sometimes I wish that I could go back, that I could forget about all the pain and heartache I’ve been through in this life. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I first crossed paths with you and make sure they didn’t cross again the second time around. Sometimes I wish things could have been different.
Sometimes I wish I never knew what getting my heart broken felt like, sometimes I wish you didn’t completely turn my world upside down because before you I was happy. Before you came into my life I didn’t know what it felt like to cry in the shower. Before you came into my life I didn’t know what real loss felt like. Before you came into my life I didn’t know what it felt like to have a piece of me ripped away and shattered.
But since you I’ve known what all that felt like.
Since you I knew what lying to my mom felt like when she’d ask me if I was crying in the shower. Since you I know what it feels like to be completely broken and to attempt to fill pieces of my heart with someone other than you. Since you I know what it feels like to be consumed in such sadness I can’t move, that nothing makes me happy, that I don’t think anyone will ever love me again like you do.
I was a completely different person before you came into my life.
The worst part is I didn’t even want you and you didn’t even want me. I was only talking to you for your friend and you were only talking to me for mine.
Yet somehow in the midst of us looking for love elsewhere we found it in each other.
To this day you’ve made me feel the happiest I’ve ever felt while simultaneously making me feel the saddest I’ve ever felt. But to be completely honest, even if I could press rewind and go back to before I knew you I’m not sure I would. I’m not sure I would go back to before I loved you because as much sadness and heartbreak I’ve felt since you’ve been gone I know what I have to look forward to.
I know what it feels like to be loved by someone romantically and not everyone can say that. I know what it feels like to have someone be completely and absolutely obsessed with me and not everyone has felt that. I know what it feels like to trust someone and love someone with every fiber in my being.
I know what real love and real loss feels like now, and as painful as it was I wouldn’t take it back because loving you taught me a lot.
Sometimes I wish I could go back, go back to forget the pain, go back to forget the loneliness, go back to forget all those I’ve tried to fill the gapping hole in my heart with, go back to knowing who I was.
But sometimes I don’t wish any of that.
Sometimes I believe it was all meant to happen, we fell for each other instead of other’s, you made me grow up when I didn’t want to. You made me understand hurt and you made me understand what being loved felt like.
If there is one thing in this world I’m sure of it’s that true love is the best thing you can experience in your lifetime and because of you I experienced that at least once.
And it’s that reason I would never take back loving you, even through all the pain on the toughest days.