I wish that when your eyes were red from trying to hold back the tears you could turn to me and let them flow down my shoulder as I hold you tight. I wish that I could be the one you wanted to come home to after a long day and open up about everything that went wrong. I wish I could be the one who you wanted to spend your highest highs and lowest lows with, but I’m not.
The first time I saw you I was interested in you, I wanted to know more about you, something about you just pulled me in. I wanted to know about your past and what makes you vulnerable. I wanted to know what your childhood home was like and learn about your family. I wanted to know all the weird little details about your life because I instantly wanted to be part of your life when I met you and still to this day I can’t get enough of you.
But no matter how hard I try, or don’t try, to capture your attention and make you want me – you don’t.
You’ve got your eyes glued on her and I’m busy watching you watch her.
That’s the funny thing about emotions, I can want you all I want, I can want you more than I’ve wanted anyone else, but it doesn’t mean that you’ll want me back. Wanting something or someone doesn’t always mean I’ll get it.
You don’t even notice that I’m trying to get your attention because you’re too busy trying to capture her attention. Life has a funny way of making us suffer a little at a time.
Part of me wants to walk up to you and tell you how I feel. I want you grab your arms and tell you that I want to know you deeper than a friend level. I want you tell you I can be the comfort you need; that I want to be the comfort you need. I want to tell you that no matter what I’ll be there for you because I can see how much you’re hurting on the inside. I want to tell you how your laugh makes my day and how cute I find you when your dancing to your favorite songs.
I want to tell you all that and so much more, but the reality of it is I won’t.
I won’t tell you because of fear of being rejected. I won’t tell you because admitting these things to you won’t make you like me. I won’t tell you because no matter what you could have had me all along and still you’ve always had eyes for her.
I won’t tell you how I really feel because at least this way you’re still part of my life.
I didn’t tell you anything that could potentially ruin our friendship. I didn’t expose my heart to you to have you laugh at it and make you feel uncomfortable.
Keeping this to myself is better this way, it’s safer this way.
I wish I could be the comfort you needed when you’re having a rough day, I wish I could be the arms you wanted to come home to and the person whose smile made your day better. I wish I could be the one you loved to wake up next to in the morning and the one you loved to lean your head on in the backseat of the car, but that isn’t me.
It’s never been me and it probably never will be.
It’s something I’ve come to accept and something I’ve come to live with. I just want you to know that if you ever need me I’ll be there, not for forever, but for now.