I only want you once you no longer show interest in me. It’s a bad habit I can’t kick.
I know I could have had a chance with you, you were so genuine and kind, you asked me on a date and I simply rejected you because I didn’t want to give you a chance. I liked you as a friend, but nothing more. Even though, selfishly, I secretly liked the attention you were giving me.
You would message me to check in and create conversation, you’d let me wear your jacket in the cold and offer to do little things for me like grab me ketchup. But as kind as you were I didn’t want you at the time because the only thing I’m consistent with at dating is not wanting anyone who actually wants me.
Then you backed off, like anyone would do. I started giving you less and less and you agreed it was better to stay friends; after all we only made out one night when we were drunk.
I would have done the same if someone rejected me, I would have backed off and let them be. I would have stopped doing little things for them and offering to get them something. That all would have stopped because I would be done trying to win them over.
But for some reason as soon as I know you stop wanting me, as soon as I can tell there is nothing there anymore, I crave your attention even more.
I get a little ounce of jealously when I see you sitting with her now because I know that could have been me, but I didn’t give you the chance.
I didn’t give us a chance, I simply blocked out the idea from day one. I have it set in stone in my head that if someone likes me that I just can’t like them back. I only like people who are way out of my league and it’s a safe crush because I know I’ll never actually have to pursue anything with them.
I wish I knew why I was this way, afraid of letting someone in and allowing them to get to know me. I wish I knew why I didn’t want people who wanted me. I wish I knew these things, but I don’t.
I just keep pushing and pushing away until no one wants me.
I feel the most comfortable alone, maybe that’s why I do it.
But I never want anyone until it’s too late, until I know they’re at a safe distance away and I can just sulk over what could have been.
I could have known what it felt like to have your hands around me and your lips on mine when we were sober. I could have known what it felt like to want someone who wants me back. I could have known what it felt like to crack the outer layer of the shell I’m wearing. I could have known what it all felt like to possibly love someone, more than a friend.
But once again, I didn’t allow myself that opportunity. I shut you down, I pushed you away and I only let myself know who you were as a friend. Then I only wanted you when I knew I could no longer have you because you moved on to her. You moved on to someone who could give you what you wanted, someone who cared about you like you cared about her. Someone who could give you what you wanted, especially emotionally.
I’m glad you found her because as much as I didn’t want to deny you, I just couldn’t let you in. I’m too guarded, maybe that’s what happens when you’re single for so long, you just can’t accept letting someone in anymore.
Or maybe you just weren’t the right person for me.
Either way, I’m sorry I couldn’t want you back until you no longer wanted me. It’s just the way I am.