All I’ve ever wanted to do when I stay the night is run out the door as soon as I open my eyes. I don’t want to wait around and ask you what your plans are for the day. I don’t want to listen to you talk about how hungover you are or watch you sleep. I don’t want to cuddle and laugh about all the things we did last night.
I want to grab my clothes and run out the door, preferably before you wake up because I don’t want to stay for breakfast or deal with any potential awkward goodbyes.
I can do the whole coming home thing, rambling for hours about different parts of our lives. I can let loose in the mixed haze of 2 AM and intoxication. I can trust you and allow myself to be vulnerable with you at that time of night.
But I can’t do it in the morning.
I’m scared to try it in the morning because as much as I do like you, apparently it’s just not enough to stay. Or maybe it’s just enough where I don’t want to ruin what we have.
I’ve never asked you if you secretly hate the fact that I’m always gone before you wake. I don’t know if you reach for me when you finally wake because every single morning I sneak out the front door before you wake up.
It’s a twisted argument I have within my own head. I like you and I want to be with you, but apparently not enough. Not enough to try to converse when we’re still sleepy with brutal morning breath. Not enough to stay and cuddle in your arms. Not enough to stick it out and deal with the awkwardness of the morning, if it even would be awkward. I just can’t stick around long enough to find out.
So I leave.
But I can’t wait for the day I don’t want to leave.
Maybe it will be with you, maybe it will be with someone new.
But I can’t wait until the morning I’m comfortable enough to stay, until the morning I would actually rather stay than leave.
I can’t wait for the morning that I want to stay in bed, wrap my legs around yours and kiss you good morning on the forehead. I can’t wait for the morning I want to drag you out of bed because I’m starving and couldn’t wait another minute for you to fully wake up to get breakfast. I can’t wait for the morning we spend all day in bed together watching movies because neither of us want to get up.
I can’t wait for the morning when I don’t have to text my friends hoping someone will be up and able to come pick me up. I can’t wait for the morning I won’t have to tip toe around the room trying to find my belongings without waking you up.
I can’t wait for the morning I find someone who I like enough to stay when I wake up because right now all I ever want to do is leave.
I want to rush home in the morning and pass back out in my own bed. I want to laugh with my roommates at our kitchen table as I try to restructure all my memories of the night before. I want to crack jokes in the comfort of my own home without any care in the world.
I know one morning I’ll wake up in a bed and I’ll feel comfortable; it will feel like home. I won’t ever want to leave and all I can do is hope you’ll feel the same.
Until then we can keep sharing our 2 AM laughs, spending all night wrapped in each other’s arms, sharing secrets we’ll never remember we told, but I can’t make a promise that I’ll be there when you wake up.
But maybe one day I will be.