As Much As I Want Love I’m Not Ready For It

Jesse Herzog
Jesse Herzog

Part of me so desperately wants to be ready for love; I want to find someone who I can call my own. I want to find the person who makes me feel like I found the piece of me I didn’t even know was missing. I want to find someone to come home to at the end of a long day and someone to take road trips and vacations with.

I want to want to spend time with someone and enjoy it, not have it feel like a chore. That’s how I know I’m not ready.

As much as I want all that I’m not ready, not even close.

I can try to find comfort hiding behind a phone screen talking to different guys on the Internet. I can try to fill an emptiness inside me ruthlessly looking for the perfect match that doesn’t exist on the lonely days.  The days where my mind endlessly wanders and I am constantly inflicting my own pain.

Some days I feel like I’m drowning in my own emotions.  Some days I feel like being single is suffocating me and that I can’t escape the thoughts that I’m going to die alone. I can’t outrun the thought of never getting married or settling down. I can’t escape the thoughts that no one wants me, that no one will ever want me. I can’t quite the voices in my head that make me feel worthless.

But even on my loneliest days, deep down I know being with someone wouldn’t make me any happier.

It would make me feel suffocated and limited, it would make me feel like I’m letting myself down and my dreams.

I know a relationship doesn’t strip away your freedom and independence, but I’m not ready to sacrifice my alone time, my travel time, my work time and my complete independence. I’m not ready to give it all up just yet.

I don’t want to force a relationship that isn’t there out of loneliness. I don’t want to try to make a connection or make a fool of myself putting myself out there when love isn’t even what I want.

I’ll always love the idea of being in love, I’ll always love other people’s love, especially the good relationships. I’ll always love romance novels and chick flicks, I’ll always love weddings and never get sick of love songs. I’ll always love everything that is involved with love, but I don’t love it for myself, not yet anyway.

Maybe one day soon I’ll wake up and realize this is it, I’ve done everything I’ve wanted to on my own. Maybe I’ll realize I’ve hit every country I’ve wanted to go to alone. Maybe I’ll realize my life isn’t fulfilling anymore on my own. Maybe I’ll realize it’s time to slow down and establish some roots.

Maybe it’ll be next week maybe it’ll be in 10 years.

All I know right now is no matter how much I love the idea of love, I’m not ready for it. I’m not ready to slow down, I’m not ready to settle down and establish roots.

The soles on my shoes still got another million miles to go on their own. TC mark

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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