You’re the girl who automatically assumes that every guy who shows interest in your must have something wrong with him. You assume that there is no way he actually, genuinely likes you or that he must talk to every girl this way. You just always assume you’re not good enough for whatever reason.
You fully doubt yourself and I get it, because I’m also that girl.
If someone shows interest in me I think it must be out of pity, it must be because he thinks it’s funny or he has some bet going with his friends. I think that there’s no way someone could actually be interested in me. I don’t believe someone would actually choose me when there are so many other women out there. I can’t imagine someone actually wanting to stick by my side.
So, I close everyone out. I shut men out in a romantic way, I friendzone them so I know I’ll have them in my life without the potential of them leaving. But now I’m starting to realize I’m doing it to keep my heart safe.
In my 22 years of life, I’ve had one actual, real heartbreak. Everyone else was just a stop along the way to where I am now. Everyone else was just a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, anxiety and maybe some tears. But none of them fully broke my heart because I didn’t give it all away.
I run before love gets a chance. I always find something wrong with him and once I find it I can’t shake the thought from my head. It’s my own personal nightmare and I’ll always hate that about myself.
But the problem isn’t him, it’s never been with him, it’s with myself and I’ve never been able to accept that before.
Maybe I’m more broken and fucked up in the head than I ever thought from my heartbreak. Maybe it’s an issue I have with the way I look that I can’t believe anyone would find me attractive.
Maybe it’s just that I can’t imagine anyone looking at me with love in their eyes because I feel like I’m the girl who wasn’t made to be loved.
I try to be safe; I try to guard my heart and when it gets to the point of moving further I turn and run. My mind constantly fills with questions about letting him in, if he could truly love a girl like me and endless wonder fills my mind about what he could possibly see in me.
I’m filled with self-doubt and I let that self-doubt completely destroy me.
I always tell myself things will be different, that I’ll give the next guy that I cross paths with a chance in my life. I’ll reassure myself if he’s here that it’s simply because he wants to be here. I’ll try to block the thought of him leaving out of my head and just embrace the time we do have together because that time could last a day or maybe even a lifetime.
Here’s to the girls who run before they even let themselves get the chance to find love. Here’s to opening our hearts and opening our minds because we’ll never find love if we never give it a chance.
Here’s to quitting ending things before they even get started.