When I Close My Eyes, You’re The One I Wish Was Loving Me

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I miss you in every way there is to miss a person.

You were so gentle and so kind, even though your hands were rough. Your clothes were always dirty from working outside all day and for some reason I always found you sexier when you had dirt on your face. You were hard working and a man of your word. When you said you’d do something, you did it. I miss your brown eyes looking into mine and your short brown hair that I always used to cut for you. You were the one I thought I could love forever.

I’ve been trying to replace you, but the truth is I don’t think I can. The truth is, I don’t think I’d want to even if I could.

I’ve been trying to move on, I’ve been trying to find new love just like you told me I should do. I’ve been trying not to let the memories of you ruin new love for me, but it’s hard because every time I close my eyes I wish it was you I was kissing.

You told me to be strong, you told me that I’d find new love, a better love, but it’s hard.

I don’t want to relearn someone new, I don’t want to have another first kiss with someone new. I only want you, but I’m trying.

When he texts me I stopped trying to pretend that his name was yours. When he flirts with me I stopped pretending that he was you. When he touched my hand I stopped pulling it away because it wasn’t your hand on mine.

I had to realize the way he was trying to love me was different than the way you loved me, but different doesn’t mean bad. It’s just different.

I don’t know what triggered him to feel sad, I didn’t know what words I couldn’t say and what would be offensive to him. I didn’t know what would make him laugh and I didn’t know if he hogged all the blankets in bed. I didn’t know if he cried in movies, or would just look at me as tears streamed down my face like you would. I didn’t know how he liked his coffee. I didn’t have his favorite foods memorized.

I hated having to go from a place I was so comfortable, from a person I knew like the back of my hand to learning someone all over again. I hated that I didn’t know everything about him and I didn’t have much interest in learning, but I tried.

I tried because I knew that I couldn’t hang on to you forever.

Maybe soon enough I will stop pretending it’s you that I’m kissing when my eyes are closed and accept that his kisses are different.

They’re not bad, they’re just different. His kisses aren’t like yours, but I should embrace that in the change. I should stop trying to make him fit into a perfect mold of you because that’s never going to happen. I don’t think I’d want it to happen anyway because you’re the only you I’d ever want to fit that mold.

I’m learning how to love again and maybe sooner than later, I’ll stop wishing it was you who was loving me when I close my eyes and start loving him for him. TC mark

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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