It’s been nearly five years since I’ve been in love, it’s been over half a year since the last time I actually felt anything remotely serious for another person and remembered what it felt like to be loved, even if it was only for a couple nights.
I realized the other day that I can’t remember the last time I was touched in a way that sent chills up my spine, not in a sexual way either. In an innocent way, like having someone put their hand on my knee while we’re driving in the car, like having someone grab my hand as I’m sitting next to him with my arms crossed, like having someone rub my back as I’m standing outside at night when I’m cold.
It’s those little things that you don’t get to experience when you’re on your own.
I can tell you the last time I’ve been touched, the last person whose lips were on mine and the last person who actually made me feel something, and none of those are the same people.
Because being loved and being touched aren’t even close to being the same thing.
You don’t have to be in love with someone to let them put their hands on you, you don’t have to be in love with someone to put your lips on theirs, you don’t even have to be close.
But as many people as I kiss, their lips will never fill the emptiness inside me from missing being loved from someone who I actually care about and who actually cares about me, too.
I’ve nearly forgotten what it feels like to have someone reach out and hold me, to have their arms around mine and pull me in close. I’ve nearly forgotten what it feels like to be the most important person to someone. I’ve nearly forgotten what it feels like to be loved, to be completely loved to the point where you don’t have to hide your flaws because your significant other accepts them and you, for who you are.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt loved in a romantic way and the last person who made me feel loved, definitely didn’t love me. We might have been infatuated with each other, but that was it.
There was no real connection underneath the drunk words we poured out of our souls.
I’ve nearly forgotten what it feels like to have someone annoy the shit out of me but in a way that I wouldn’t want trade for the world. I’ve nearly forgotten what it feels like to not be able to keep my hands off someone because I’m so obsessed with them. I’ve nearly forgotten what it feels like to be completely loved and adored by someone.
I might have forgotten what that feels like, but I’m looking forward to feel it again.
I know that I’ll have the chills down my spine from someone reaching for my hand, I know I’ll get butterflies in my stomach from having your hand on my knee in the car, I know I’ll remember what it feels like to be loved.
Maybe not right now, or any time soon, but I know it will come and when the time comes I know I’ll be reminded how great the feeling of being loved by someone who truly cares about me is.
Until then I’ll smile at the couple walking by holding hands and be happy they’ve found each other.