My biggest regret is leaving and thinking that I would find something better.
I thought that there was so much more out there that I needed to experience and feel. That if I stayed I would have ended up regretting it and resenting you.
Who knows, maybe if I did stay that would have happened?
Maybe if I stayed I’d be filled with regret in 20 years of all the things I missed out on and didn’t get to experience because we always question the unknown. But none of that matters because right now all I know is I’m filled with regret from walking away.
I thought the world was my oyster, as they say. I thought maybe if I went out in it and tackled it headfirst that I would finally understand all the hype; that I would finally understand who I am and discover what I’ve been missing.
It turns out the only thing I’m missing now is you.
I left behind a life that I cherished and that I loved in hopes to find something better, in hopes to find something more.
But I haven’t found anything better; I haven’t found anything close to as good as the life I had before.
All I know now is I’m scared to go back and have things be different. I’m scared that things won’t be the same. I’m scared that leaving will have changed my mind and I’m only clinging to the memories of how good it used to be.
But I guess that is a risk I have to take.
I want to come home, I want to crawl back into the bed I loved so much, I want to sense of familiarity I left behind when I decided to pack my bags and leave. I want to walk down the same stairs and walk to the same kitchen to make the same cup of coffee I loved so much. I want all of that. I want it all back.
I want to sit on the couches in the living room binge watching our favorite shows on Netflix. I want to complain that I’m bored and know we’ll jump in the car and go do something adventurous or walk down to the lake.
I want my old life back and I’m sorry I didn’t think it was good enough before. I’m sorry I thought I had to leave because it would be best for me.
What I’ve learned is that there is no place better than home with you and more than anything I want that back.
I’m sorry I walked away, I’m sorry I thought the world would capture my heart when it was already captured in the first place.
I’m sorry for a lot of things, but all I’m really hoping for is that when I return everything will feel exactly like I remembered it and you will, too.