I’ll Always Wonder What Was Lost Behind All The Words We Didn’t Say
By Becca Martin
I’ll always wonder if we could have had a future, if there was really some potential behind our stubbornness.
I’ll always wonder what could have been if we would have just broke the silence between us instead of constantly letting it grow greater.
But we didn’t. You were stubborn and I didn’t want to act like I needed you, because I didn’t. I thought I would be making a point. I thought I could out do you, but we let it go on for too long and now we lost each other completely.
I thought about you every day.
I’d stare at my phone. I’d hope it would light up with your name on it and when it didn’t happen I’d start thinking you didn’t care about me. I couldn’t tell you how many times I typed a message up with your name on the top and almost send it, but every time I’d talk myself out of it and delete it.
I’d make deals with myself in my head. I’d say if you didn’t text me by this time I would text you, but I never did. I’d say if I saw you Tweet I would text you because I knew you’d have your phone, but I’d always chicken out and you rarely used social media.
I was looking for a sign to reach out, but I never got one.
And now looking back, maybe there was no sign and maybe it was for the best. But I don’t think I can help but wonder if there was something lost behind all the words we were too stubborn to say.
I wanted you, I always wanted you, but I was scared I’d look like a fool. I was scared to reach out because I didn’t think you’d want me back. I thought that if I sent one of those messages I’d typed out that you’d laugh about it with your friends. I thought there was no way you’d want me back.
Now I can’t help but wonder if we could have been more. I can’t help but wonder if we would still be together now if one of us just broke the silence, if one of us would have admitted we needed each other. But I wanted to be strong, I wanted you to come to me.
I think that’s where I fucked up. I should have just reached out, even if I would have got nothing in return I would have known where we stood. I didn’t have to send you a paragraph, maybe a “hi” would have sufficed. Maybe that’s all it would have taken to open up some dialog and a conversation as to what was going on between us, but I could never muster the words and now it’s far too late.
Maybe things never would have worked out between us, maybe it was just another stop on the destination to where we’re supposed to be. Maybe there was no sign because going back could have ruined the future for one of us.