I look in the mirror and I hate what I see.
I’ve hated it for years now.
I grab and pull at my skin imagining how much better I would feel about myself if I just put down the beer and started working out more. I get angry and frustrated with myself. I point out flaw after flaw on myself. All I see looking back at me is rejection. All I feel is hate and regret, and I can’t stop the feelings.
I don’t love myself.
I tell myself over and over that I am the one in control of my body and my choices. I tell myself to choose better next time around, but I fail. I look forward to the girl I want to be, I think of all the ways my life would get better if I was more fit. I know that might not be true, I’ll always find flaws, but it would be better for me. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.
Because maybe, just maybe, if I loved myself, even a little bit, that would allow me to let you love me, too.
I finally think I’ve found the source of my self-inflicting pain. I’ve found the reasoning behind why I won’t let anyone in. It’s because I don’t love myself and I’m too self-conscious to let anyone else love me.
I hate my arms, they’re not slim. I hate my stomach because it isn’t toned and firm. I hate my hands and feet, they’re big. I hate my skin because I’m 22 and still have acne like my teenage self.
I don’t know how anyone could love me, so I push them away.
I push them away from me sexually because I’m scared they won’t want me once they see me naked. I push them away because I don’t see how they could possibly find me attractive. I push them away because I don’t have any confidence in myself, so I’d rather not allow them to compliment me or adore me when I would question them constantly.
I’m admitting that I don’t love myself and this is something I’ve been trying to suppress for a while now. I’ve been trying to hide it away under lock and chain.
I’ve been busy telling myself I like being single and that I just don’t like anyone who likes me. But the truth is, I haven’t given anyone a chance because I’m scared they will reject me for not being thin enough, or fit enough, or toned enough because those are all reasons I reject myself. Even if they tell me those are all things they love about me, I convince myself they’re lying.
I push people away from me in a romantic and sexual way. I compare myself to others. I think I’m not good enough because I could always be better. I know it isn’t healthy, but I’ve finally admitted it, I’ve finally said that I don’t allow myself to be loved because I don’t love myself.
I don’t love myself so I don’t want anyone to love me, until I love myself first.
I don’t want someone to come into my life and try to fix the broken pieces of me. I don’t want someone to come and shower me in compliments hoping to lift my self-esteem. I don’t want someone to try to heal my open wounds. I want to fix myself on my own time, I need to fix myself on my own time because once I love myself then maybe I’ll let you love me.
Until then, I’ll be busy working on me.