First I’d tell you thank you, thank you for loving me the way you loved me because the first time I fell in love was with you. I’d thank you for how you loved me with your whole heart, how you cared about me and how you loved holding me close in your arms. Thank you for showing me what it feels like to be appreciated and wanted.
But that is all I could thank you for because as much as you loved me right, you also loved me so wrong.
I would walk up to you, butterflies turning in my stomach because your stupid grin still makes me nervous after all this time. Probably because the last time I saw you you were with your new girlfriend and as much as I really don’t care about you it’s still weird to me because I used to be her, and that doesn’t get easy for anyone.
I still have dreams about you, about us, except in my dreams things always work out. You and me always get our happily ever after.
If I saw you again I know you’d have a straight face, arms probably crossed, as I’d tell you every way you could have loved me better because as much as you loved me, you loved me all wrong.
You tried to control me and I was too young and naïve to even realize it, maybe I was love struck. I was lost in you; I let you dictate me because I wanted nothing more than to make you happy. I chose your happiness over my own.
You told me who I could and couldn’t hang out with and the worst part is, I listened to you. I listened to you when you told me I couldn’t hangout with my friends because you wanted to spend more time with me. I lost so many good relationships because of you and when we broke up I had to work on gaining trust and respect from everyone I lost while we were together.
You loved me wrong when you tried to make all my big decisions for me, you told me you didn’t want me to go away for college, you told me you didn’t want me to leave our hometown, you tried to draw my life plan out for me. And the sad part was, I tried to convince myself it would be cool to live at home while going to college, I really did for you. But leaving was the best decision I could have made.
Moving out of our hometown was actually the best decision I’ve ever made, that place will always be home, but it’s toxic to me. Except you didn’t care, you didn’t want me to get away because then I could see all the things I’m seeing now.
You didn’t want me to move away, discover the world and all the incredibly fascinating people in it. If I listened to you I wouldn’t be sitting on the couch in the house I just moved into three weeks ago with people I met that same day on the other side of the world. But you were scared this would happen, you were scared to lose me and have me walk away, so instead of embracing the world with me, you tried to shut it out for me.
You also didn’t trust me when I gave you no reason not to. You’d make me feel like shit having to reassure you that I wasn’t talking to other guys because you were so insecure you would lose me. The countless times you’d look through my phone to feel better about the fact I didn’t text anyone else other than you and my mom, made me feel worthless.
You needed me, but you needed me constantly and all the time. You were dependent on me when I was dependent on myself. I was carrying the weight for both of us while you consistently ripped me down lower and lower.
It was a battle every time I wanted to go with my friends. It was a fight every time I wanted to go out. It was tears after tears of feeling awful about myself, but not being able to admit that to anyone because on the outside I had to be strong, I had to hold it together for you. I faked my happiness because you made me feel like that was what a relationship was. I was too blind to see what it was really supposed to be like.
I put you, your feelings and your needs before my own, every time. I was living in misery because of how you loved me. There is no denying you didn’t love me with your whole heart, there is no denying you didn’t care about me and love holding me close to you, but every time you pulled me close you were metaphorically suffocating me. You held me close so I couldn’t leave, so I couldn’t get away, even if I wanted too.
So thank you, thank you for teaching me what it felt like to be cared about and I guess thank you for loving me all wrong, so next time I know what it will feel like to be loved right.