Please Love Me Anyways

Kaponia Aliaksei
Kaponia Aliaksei

To the girl I’ll one day love:

I hope you’re patient.

I’m clumsy and short-tempered sometimes. I hope this is okay. Listen, I can play all the sports, but when it comes to casually walking down the street, I trip over air.

Will you wrap up my bloody toe when I accidently stub it on an innocent curb? (However, at that particular moment in time, the curb won’t be so innocent. That god damn raised cement will be a malicious monster and my mouth will dribble out some non-traditional profanity. “FUCK THAT RUDE LITTLE BITCH DICK SIDEWALK. It made my fucking toe pass away. My toe is dead.”)

I know, I know. You probably think this is dramatic. I’m Sorry. And I’m sorry that there are normal people around us and you’re embarrassed. Please love me anyways.

I’m lazier than a sloth. Yes, I may go to the gym 4-5 times a week and run around like a nut, but sometimes getting up and getting a snack from the kitchen feels harder than doing 100 pushups.

When I feel like this, I will ask you to get me some chocolate chip cookies from the brown cabinet above the sink. And when you come back from the kitchen with the cookies, I’ll have had the time it took you to walk down the hallway and back, to think and reevaluate this critical decision. I changed my mind. I don’t want cookies anymore. I want a big fat grilled cheese. I know! I’m annoying, so annoying. Please love me anyways.

I might make you feel too important. I will leave surprise notes in your wallet and come home with flowers more than once a week. I will make you lunch for the next day and I won’t get up in the middle of the night and eat it. I will sneak- attack your ass with boundless affection. I hope you don’t like personal space, cause ugh, sometimes I just love you so much that I need my body touching your body.

It’s your fault. You’re the one that’s so alluring and believe me, I will tell you. I will tell you every day how much your smile means to me. Of course your smile itself is a beautiful thing to witness, but to see that it represents your happiness is even more of a beautiful sight.

I will tell you that sometimes when we’re watching TV, I don’t care about the movie and I’d rather just watch you. I’d rather watch your cute little almond eyes try their hardest to stay awake because they know mine aren’t tired yet.

I’d rather watch your lips pout and your brows furrow as you attempt to figure out the plot twist. I’d rather see you give in to sleep and just pass out on my shoulder. It’s okay if you drool on me. I don’t mind. I will still carry you to bed.

You will become my favorite part of being alive, but there will be days that we are both too tired and too stressed out by life. Small arguments between us will be inescapable. I will understand that sometimes separation is healthy and necessary, but other times, can we just sit back to back and you can do your thing and read Eleanor & Park, and I will do my thing and play science quizzes?

You will think this is childish, but I need you to know that no matter how mad I am at you, I am never mad enough to be too far away. So please, love me anyways.

I am the weirdest weirdo. I wear my backwards baseball hat with an elephant on it every day. Even to my wedding, I’m going to wear it. I will dance in the living room in a way too big for me t-shirt with 3 cats on the front of it. I will be disgusting and kiss you even when your nose is dripping because I don’t know how to not kiss you.

I will tell you that your breath smells like something just passed away in your mouth and I expect the same courtesy. I will wake you up in the night to ask you super important questions or to tell you super important facts that just hit me out of nowhere. I’ll tell you I’m sorry I know it’s 2:38am, but it feels like an alien just broke through my skull and penetrated my brain with a syringe full of ideas.

I’m sorry I have such a persistent desire to purge my reflections on life, but isn’t it weird that blueberries are purple not blue when you step on them? And do you think spiders can survive inside of a vacuum? Cause I vacuumed one up yesterday, and what if it’s still alive looking for its family in there. I can’t turn off my mind. Please love me anyways.

I am an odd mixture of forgetting and remembering too much at the exact same time. I will forget to pick my towel up off the floor. I will forget to do the dishes. Did I turn off the hallway light? Did I turn the straightener off? FUCK, DID. I. TURN. THE. STRAIGHTENER. OFF?? That laundry detergent you wanted on the way home from work? Shit. When did we even run out? I’m so sorry!

It’s not that I don’t listen to you or that I don’t care. I was driving and started thinking about work and grad school and that time at the farmer’s market when I so confidently called that alpaca a camel and Jesus Christ, I hope my hair straightener didn’t burn the whole community down. These are all irrelevant excuses and distractions. I know and I’m sorry. I’ll walk to CVS to get the laundry detergent. Please love me anyways.

I’ll forget a lot, but I will remember more. I’ll remember your favorite quote and I’ll make you explain why it meant so much to you. I’ll remember your coffee order and bring you one every day before work. I’ll remember your favorite snack and hide a secret stash in the drawer so we always have them for you.

I’ll remember when you talked about somewhere you’ve never been but always wanted to go, and I’ll plan a trip for us. I’ll remember your favorite type of pizza. I’ll remember that restaurant you’ve always wanted to go to in Old City and I’ll take you.

I’ll remember which way you prefer the toilet paper when the roll is replaced. I’ll remember how worn out your work shoes are, so I’ll get you new ones. I’ll remember to make a spare copy of house keys because sometimes you lose them and that’s okay.

I’ll remember that you pee a lot in the night, so I’ll get you a nightlight for the bathroom so you don’t sleepily trip over the rug. I’ll remember that you’re afraid of bugs so I will take them outside for you. I’ll remember that you work so hard at your job and sometimes your lower back hurts so I will carry your bike up the steps and I’ll give you a massage before we go to bed.

I will remember that even though you act so tough, you’re not as tough as you think you are and you get worried too. I will put on funny videos to distract you and we will laugh away whatever you’re upset about.

I will remember that we all make mistakes and I will always forgive you with hopes that you can do the same for me.

When I get anxious I will remember to take a minute to recollect my thoughts and I will not try to control every uncomfortable situation. I will remember to say sorry for when I am selfish. No matter how hard it will be, I will remember to push away all the spacious anxious self-centered thoughts in my brain and clear a path to see how you are affected by my actions and I will do better. I take longer than most people to grow up. Please, just promise to love me anyways. TC mark

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