You Never Failed To Make Me Feel Unloved

I should have seen your hints. They were too obvious; they were snakes hissing at me, but I kept covering my ears with my heart. I should have known that you didn’t love me, you were just afraid to be alone.

I should have known that it would be so easy for you to leave, because every time we said goodbye, you didn’t bother to look back.

I should have seen the fake smile on your face from all the times we saw each other; I should have looked further into your eyes.

You never even said thank you; to you, I was not someone to be grateful for. I should have heard my own cry for help when you didn’t find the time to respond to my texts, to my calls, to my silent screams at night asking who you were with or where you went. I kept searching on my own. I should have known you weren’t ready to love when you kept exchanging short yet meaningful words with the person you loved before me. I should have kept my eyes open, and I should have stopped convincing myself that you were greater, nicer, and kinder than you actually were.

The times you said you loved me? They were dry. It was like you only said it because you were obliged. You felt like it was more of a responsibility than a feeling. I should have known your game play; I could have played a better game.

There were a lot of times I caught you cheating, lying. Never did you apologize. You reversed the situation and made me look bad; you made a fool out of me. Still, I was accepting, forgiving. Even so, I don’t just blame you, I blame myself too. I allowed you to manipulate me. I loved you so much that my love was far greater than your mistakes, but that was never true for you. You made me feel that I was just your mistake. Know that even if it doesn’t haunt you, I’ll keep hating myself for how I never hesitated to keep you even when I was hurting. I was enduring, I believed that you were going to be with me, that you would try to make ‘us’ work. I’ve never been so wrong in my entire life.

I should have been aware that we weren’t going to last long. I was blinded by my love and how you took all of it for granted, filling yourself up, ceaselessly watching me drain alone. I didn’t ask much from you, I just never lost hope that you’d at least care. The worst part of it all was that you were the one who had the audacity to end the relationship I kept trying to save.

Isn’t it ironic that even as I say I should’ve known better, the truth is that I’ve actually known the truth all along?

I should have had the courage to walk away sooner. I should have saved myself.

My inability to feel gives me the ability to write.

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