The problem with memories is that you cannot choose where and what to go back to.
You can start with your good times together. Those times when all you want is to grow old with each other. The times when you love everything about him. The first time he says, “I love you.”
His deep-set and sleepy-hooded eyes, his smile, you love his toes. The times he teaches you how to eat makdous. The times he worries how you have reached home from your scheduled work in the office. The way he answers your call. The way you kiss each other. The way you listen to each other. The way he cheers you up. The way you look at each other. The way he spoils you. The way he pampers you. The way he grins when he’s up to something. The way he pretends not to notice you when you do something dumb. The way you love each other every day.
But you have to sum it up with the pains that parting has caused.
Pain of loss. The pain when you think you have lost everything and someone that you have loved. The pain of just thinking he’s gone and would never come back again. And the pain of knowing you will never touch his hands one more time. The rotten feeling when you go to bed and you knew- no more silly things whispered before you close your eyes to sleep. That no more funny jokes told in the morning.
Pain of longing. And each time you long for him, you feel that there’s a new swell of loneliness that strikes your heart and you cannot do anything but to pinch the bridge of your nose while an invisible winch seemed to tighten around your chest. You have tried to hide the despair to everybody but it lives like parasites, sucking away your ability to enjoy life as it was before.
Pain of wanting to make everything right for both of you. Every night at eleven, you would battle the desire to pick up the phone and say, “I miss you, Baby!” You tried to dial his mobile number and when you have reached the last digit of number, you stopped then dialled again- you hang up on the first ring, rolled over your bed and cried.
The most painful part is, you know deep in your heart that you have no other choice but to remember him even if it causes you pain. This feeling seared through your heart- of knowing you wouldn’t see him again. With a broken heart, of your own, you weep. You shed tears so loudly. You cried the tears of a lovelorn, the all-consuming sporadic weeping that shatters your entire body for hour or end. So sorry for yourself that you didn’t know how you’d survive the lonely days without his presence.
But one day, God will eventually let you get through this and you’ll be better. You will then realize that this journey of your life is something worth remembering. Blissful moments worth cherishing filled your yesterday. That his coming into your life would then make you feel blessed and glad. Instantly and briefly your life, but his memory shall forever warm your cold nights and comfort your loneliness.