Thought Catalog

Top 10 Worst Movies to See on A First Date

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This weekend I wanted to see Blue Valentine, but I was well aware of its reputation. “Great movie,” a friend texted me, “but it ruins relationships.” Not a problem for me (see my other articles), but when I started calling around for movie companions, I made a gruesome discovery. Three couples I am personally aware of saw Blue Valentine and in the subsequent days, broke up. All of them blame the movie, and one guy left New York entirely and may never return! I found one friendly couple brave enough to go with me, but within twenty minutes of making the plan, they called back and said “no thanks.” They dared not wrangle with the Blue Valentine curse.

What else joins the list of the worst movies to ever see on a date? Here’s my votes…

10. Precious

I actually made this mistake myself. It was the third date with a girl I really liked. And believe me, nothing says “I really think you’re cool, I’m gonna go ahead and put my hand on your knee in public” like incestuous rape of the morbidly obese. Oh, and also AIDS. Oddest thing about this date, we only chose Precious because the Twilight sequel was sold out. 100% true.

9. Titanic

Don’t see a movie about two people who are far more in love than you and your date will ever be. It’s just awkward. Especially if that movie is four hours long and sucks.

8. Lilya 4-Ever

Ooooh, this looks cultural.

“I know what I’m going to do, I’m going to impress her by taking her to see a deep, brooding, foreign film. Chicks love foreign films. But none of those light and airy French ones, something with grit. Here we go, Lilya 4-Ever, made in Sweden, won countless awards, stars this charming, young, blond lass. Two tickets, please! I am a proud and confident man who is comfortable seeing an intellectual movie about girl growing up in — what’s that? It’s about sexual slavery and human trafficking? A 16 year-old Russian girl becomes a sex slave after her mother sneaks out on her and runs to the United States? At least half the characters kill themselves…? Can I change that to two seats for Gnomeo and Juliet? Thanks…”

7. Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

By definition this has to be the worst movie to see on an Internet date, because it’s the worst movie to see under any circumstances. It was getting old to have one black man dress up like a preposterously fat old lady and make fart jokes while secretly beating up the bad guys, so they decided to freshen it up by giving him a son who also has to dress up like a black lady and make fart jokes while beating up bad guys. And then they sent them to college. Where people can utter the line “more like Mary J. Bulge.”

Unless your Internet date is with Martin Lawrence, I’d skip Big Mommas. If it is, I’d still go with something from Eddie Murphy. Martin understands his limitations.

6. Anything 3D

The glasses make you look like a dick. Simple as that.

5. When Harry Met Sally

Anyone else turned on?

Classic romantic comedy, right? Guaranteed home run with the ladies and secure-in-their-masculinity gents, correct? Well, yes and no. It’s a great movie that holds up well, and it genuinely warms the heart for love – even in my coldest of hearts. But sooner or later, if you see this movie with a date, conversation will turn to the fake orgasm scene. And really, the last thing you want to do with someone you might conceivably one day have sex with is to talk about fake orgasms. Because they definitely will fake it, and you’ll definitely want to be able to trick yourself that they didn’t. So the less you know about it the better.

Also, a recent study revealed that within 24 hours of seeing Billy Crystal’s image it’s medically impossible to get physically aroused. So keep that in mind.

4. Blue Valentine

Three dead relationships, people!

3. Mark Ruffalo in Any Movie Ever

Jesus isn’t this charismatic.

Gentlemen, Mark Ruffalo is better than you. He is better looking, more charming, more irresistibly carefree, and more undeniably masculine than you. He can nurse a puppy back to health with his tears and protect a baby deer from the elements in the warmth of his stubble. You are no match for him in the eyes of any woman you might be out with, so don’t test them. Bringing a date to see a Mark Ruffalo movie is like cooking her a meal while your good friend Bobby Flay makes dessert. You don’t have a chance! Honestly, you’re better off with Schindler’s List.

Other actors to be wary of: Billy Crudup, Eric Bana, Ed Norton, and good God almighty Ryan Gosling.

For the ladies, avoid: Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba…really anyone named Jessica. Except Jessica Tandy. She’s safe.

2. 9 1/2 Weeks

You think 9 1/2 Weeks is an ideal movie to see with a date because it’s got lots of steamy sex in it and your date will no doubt watch it and think “I like to have sex! Perhaps later you and I will have the sex.” But they won’t think that. What they’ll think is, “I want to have sex with someone who’s really good at it. Someone who’s creative and explores boundaries!” That person is not you. I mean, look at yourself. You’re reading about Internet dating on the Internet! That’s two “Internets” in one sentence, my friend. Not good.

Also, elaborate and creative sex is for the professionals. Two normal people try to do the things in 9 1/2 Weeks and one of them throws their back out while the other gets food all over the place and ends up with bed bugs. Know your level.

1. Antichrist

Don’t let the poster fool you, the movie is nowhere near this cheery.

Lars Von Trier is the hands-down winner of the imaginary contest to create the worst possible date movie. From those I’ve surveyed, Dogville and Breaking the Waves were both getting votes. And don’t get me wrong, those are atrocious, but it’s hard to beat Antichrist. Should you have any doubt, know this: there is only one movie after which the following conversation can take place:

Guy: So, how about that scene where her private parts got mutilated?

Girl: Yeah. How about that scene where his private parts got mutilated?

Guy: I was a little confused, did he have sex with the crow?

Girl: No, the crow just wanted to murder him.

And then you give him a polite kiss on the cheek and ask when you’re going to see him next. Sounds nice, right? No. Not nice. Deeply, deeply awful. TC mark

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More From Thought Catalog

  • http://readywater.ca Readywater

    I would also strongly recommend against showing someone Zardoz on your first date. It will definitely colour the rest of the (likely short) relationship unless s/he the best person ever.

    • Eric

      Really?? I couldn't think of a better a way to get the mood going than by seeing Sean Connery in nothing but a loin cloth.

      • http://readywater.ca Readywater

        See, that was somehow my rationale.
        Part of it might have been that she was still trying to figure out my sexual orientation, and the buxom Connery might have added to her confusion.

  • Simon Ferrari

    I accidentally took a first date to 'Capturing the Friedmans', a documentary about a possible mass child molestation at a computer camp. Relationship lasted a year; we're still friends.

  • http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/ HBGWHEM

    human centipede is a pretty bad first date movie. although it was good for discussion afterwords. “if you had to pick someone to be the middle of our human centipede with us in the anchor positions, who would you pick and why?”

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    I make a lot of “jokes” in the comments section of this Thought Catalog, but I absolutely went to see Blue Valentine with someone (I don't “take” dates to things; I take my nephew to the science music) and it fucked me up. I think we broke up because of it.

  • http://twitter.com/Dan_Hoffmann Dan Hoffman

    If you're married and have lost a child, “Rabbit Hole” will be the death of your marriage. Also remember that scene in The Squid and the Whale where they go see Blue Velvet? That was funny.

  • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

    'a serbian film' maybe

  • http://twitter.com/readdanwrite Daniel Roberts

    It's funny; right after I saw it, I reviewed it on my blog and went with the angle of, yeah, it's a great movie, everyone's raving about it, but damn, do NOT see it on a date… thinking that was like some fresh take on it. but since then, I've seen so many reviews, both in major pubs and on nobody blogs (like mine) and now realize that many ppl must have had this shared experience of going to it with a date and cringing in horror for an hour and a half. haha…. o god. http://danielbroberts.com/2011…/

  • tengo

    i saw juno on a first date. we never had sex

  • Bruce

    From personal experience: Schindler's List was an exceedingly bad choice for a first date movie.

  • Louise

    Enter the Void – terrible

  • Angelyca

    A young gentleman did ask me if I would care to see a movie with him. I asked what movie we would see. “Antichrist,” he said, a chilling grin on his face. “I think we'll really enjoy it.”

    I replied no. Repeatedly refused his invitations for dinner and squash.

  • HiredGoons

    I wrote a regretful drunken email to my ex after seeing Blue Valentine, who got into a drunken fight with her boyfriend the same night.

    The film is the 'Gloomy Sunday' of cinema. Great, but possibly cursed.

    • HiredGoons

      'with a friend who' (sake)

  • http://twitter.com/MollyWest12th Molly Oswaks

    Saw “Little Children” on a first date. That scene where the pedophile is getting himself off in the car, right by the children's playground?––mildly uncomfortable for me and my date. Later, when see that the pedophile is bleeding in the playground post-self-castration?––ill-boding; I'll leave it at that.

  • 27sandgranola

    My best friend and I had an epic fight after seeing Blue Valentine, probably because he couldn't think of a reason to get into a fight with his girlfriend. It was bad, he actually stood outside for 30 min while I waited in line for a hot dog and we sent each other horrible messages for a week.
    I saw Irreversible on a double date. Luckily we were at a friend's apartment and were able to fast forward through the rape scene. Still, I almost broke up with my (then) boyfriend because of a fight we had while watching it.

  • http://twitter.com/nycGtrain G Train

    Look up “A Serbian Film.” Just reading about the gruesome, perverse scenes has the potential to ruin your mental health, depending on how desensitized you are.

    • Dan

      stfu Lou. nglah jus langin sis

  • Danielle

    First date or internet date? Seems like the title of this post doesnt match the content…

  • http://twitter.com/blainebrown Blaine Brown

    Movies are terrible dates. Why would I want to spend 2 hours not talking to a girl I'm interested in?

  • Sars

    blue valentine seems scary. i did watch however the antichrist within the first month of being with someone. its almost been a year since then and its still <333yeee

  • Mike Schiller

    Took a first date to see Pi. Didn't last a week. Aronofsky in general is probably not a good idea.

  • franticdoll

    I think The Human Centipede (First Sequence) should be on this list. Eeeechhh!

  • Jen

    GUYS WHAT ABOUT TEETH?!

  • Nathan

    Yeah….i saw “Closer” with my parents. Not a first date, but i doubt it could get any more awkward.

  • crystal_muse

    For someone who has never seen Blue Valentine, could you please explain how it has this amazing capability to break up couples? I mean, I openly acknowledge that watching Six Feet Under together played a major part in ending my last relationship, but that was because it was hard to deny the problems in our relationship when we were seeing the exact same issues being played out on screen in front of us. I'd think that a healthy couple could watch something depressing/dysfunctional and still be able to come away from it unscathed. Maybe even for the better, because it could spark conversation…

    So…explanation/elaboration, please?

    • kikikins

      Crystal Muse – So interesting to see this comment, since I actually started watching Six Feet Under with a friend, somewhere in the middle we started dating, and by the time we finished the series we had a solid relationship!  It definitely made us bond, and made us both open up and talk about stuff we might not have talked about otherwise.  I just thought this was fascinating since I have such a positive emotional association with that series, though I can see how it could create a rift if you’re relating to their problems a little too closely but aren’t talking about them. 

      I haven’t seen Blue Valentine yet, but definitely will when we’re both in the mood for something heavy.  It does make me a bit nervous, but we’ve survived several of the films on this list (including a live production of Closer!  Even more painful when it’s on stage five feet in front of you).

    • kikikins

      Crystal Muse – So interesting to see this comment, since I actually started watching Six Feet Under with a friend, somewhere in the middle we started dating, and by the time we finished the series we had a solid relationship!  It definitely made us bond, and made us both open up and talk about stuff we might not have talked about otherwise.  I just thought this was fascinating since I have such a positive emotional association with that series, though I can see how it could create a rift if you’re relating to their problems a little too closely but aren’t talking about them. 

      I haven’t seen Blue Valentine yet, but definitely will when we’re both in the mood for something heavy.  It does make me a bit nervous, but we’ve survived several of the films on this list (including a live production of Closer!  Even more painful when it’s on stage five feet in front of you).

    • http://twitter.com/iamthepuddles irreverent puddles

      it’s about mediocrity. the couple had a little romantic, whirlwind relationship at first and then things just got…. “normal.” seeing each other stopped being so exciting, they both started working, they had a kid, they were busy, they stopped having sex and in the end they just are like “…meh.” i think couples get really upset by it because it’s one of the only (american?) films that actually looks at a relationship and doesn’t embellish it with hollywood bravado. it’s just like, “yeah we were in love and then we got used to each other and now we’re bored and unhappy and this is really just a mediocre life and shit” and then they break up. no drama, it just happens, and i think when couples watch that they;re like “oh fuck i can actually identify, unlike with [insert romcom here]” and then they;re like “NO I WONT SETTLE FOR MEDIOCRITY” and then they break up
      mediocre is really the word to sum up this movie. 

    • http://twitter.com/iamthepuddles irreverent puddles

      it’s about mediocrity. the couple had a little romantic, whirlwind relationship at first and then things just got…. “normal.” seeing each other stopped being so exciting, they both started working, they had a kid, they were busy, they stopped having sex and in the end they just are like “…meh.” i think couples get really upset by it because it’s one of the only (american?) films that actually looks at a relationship and doesn’t embellish it with hollywood bravado. it’s just like, “yeah we were in love and then we got used to each other and now we’re bored and unhappy and this is really just a mediocre life and shit” and then they break up. no drama, it just happens, and i think when couples watch that they;re like “oh fuck i can actually identify, unlike with [insert romcom here]” and then they;re like “NO I WONT SETTLE FOR MEDIOCRITY” and then they break up
      mediocre is really the word to sum up this movie. 

  • Teapottt

    Definitely add human centipede to the list. And catfish- awwwwkward.

  • AntiMyrmidon

    Going on a first date is pretty awkward, especially when you've done the “drunken half-sex/hungover morning cuddles” thing but then have to act as though you haven't licked the other person's nipples for over 30 minutes at a time the last time you saw them; even more awkward is going on a first date as a newly outed lesbian at your small local cinema and bumping into some ex-lovers of the male variety; most awkward of all is when 30 minutes into 'The Road' that you were right that it was “kinda post-apocalyptic” but waaaaay off on it being a gory zombie flick. You realise that zombies would, in fact, be inappropriate, and that no matter how much popcorn you cram in your mouth you cannot disguise your utter misery at the bleakness of the future of the human race.

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