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Internet Dating: Who Has It Worse, Men or Women?

A friend of mine had paid for his Match profile in advance, but had met a great girl and no longer needed it. Dying to find out what it was really like for the females, we jumped into action. We deleted his profile, images, everything – and replaced it with a woman we called SuzieQ.

The Perfect Internet Date Bar

Do you really want to say the words “…so, you grew up Harrisburg?” while some dick airs out his soulful acoustic cover of “Bad Romance” in the corner? No, you do not. Live music is loud, distracting, and frequently terrible, so avoid band bars at all costs.

Top 10 Worst Movies to See on A First Date

This weekend I wanted to see Blue Valentine, but I was well aware of its reputation. “Great movie,” a friend texted me, “but it ruins relationships.” Not a problem for me (see: this entire website), but when I started calling around for movie companions, I made a gruesome discovery. Three couples I am personally aware of saw Blue Valentine and in the subsequent days, broke up.

The Girl Who Lived In a Shack

The roommate said…AHEM…”after she broke up with you she moved in with a guy who lived in a shack.” How do you know you’ve won a breakup? When within 90 days your ex is without running water or indoor plumbing. When her mailing address becomes “Next To The Big Oak Tree With The Knot In It.”

Winks Are For Wusses

In real life, winking is totally unacceptable. If you were at the end of the bar and a stranger leaned in, caught your eye, then winked at you – you’d call the cops. Normal people don’t wink. Cowboys do, and people in old movies, and terrible terrible politicians. A head nod, fine. A smile, acceptable. But a wink?

Every Internet Dating Profile Ever

Seriously though, being different is the only important thing. There are so many profiles on each site, and so many of them are earth-shatteringly boring – you need to make setting yourself apart your primary objective.

Advice From The Idiot: How Much Should I Lie in My Dating Profile?

So here is my advice on lying: do it. Within reason. Describe you on your best day, or – even better – what would your Mom say about you if she met a friend at the drug store? There’s your dating profile. (Unless your Mom is at the drug store to pick up a prescription for the weird rash you have on growing on your private parts. Then say something else.)

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