Why I Didn’t Leave You (Even Though I Fell Out Of Love With You)

Woman standing over mountain ledge
Lucas Sankey

I didn’t leave you because you defined me. You were my whole world and I didn’t know who I was without you.

I didn’t leave you because I didn’t want to hurt you, even though you were hurting me. At first, you made me feel special. I believed you when you told me you would protect me.

I didn’t realize you were pulling me apart, breaking me down, because I had no self worth until I met you.

I didn’t leave you, even though you began to control me. You never told me I couldn’t see my friends without you. You never told me I had your permission to stay home when you wanted to be with me.

You never spoke those words, but you did.

I didn’t leave you because I felt your pain as if it was my own, and you took advantage of the guilt you formed in me. You used my love for you against me, and still, I didn’t leave you.

I didn’t leave you, even though I was a possession to you, and no one else was to take my attention away from you. If they did, it was my fault. Everything was my fault.

I didn’t leave you when you read my diary, when you broke into my phone while I was asleep. Violated the privacy you decided I shouldn’t have, because I wronged you.

I didn’t leave you, even when your pride got in the way of me being open and honest with you. I would express how I felt when you did something that hurt me, and it was still my fault.

Our three years together became me constantly telling you I was sorry. It became a sea of apologies, with no horizon. I had no choice but to be sorry because if I wasn’t, we would fight, and I didn’t want to fight. I always lost.

So I stopped telling you how I felt. I didn’t feel safe letting you know I was falling apart.

I didn’t leave you, even when I was drowning and couldn’t breathe. And instead of helping me to swim, you held me under the water.

I didn’t leave you because I had no idea how to be by myself, so for a year, I held on. I was terrified of being alone, scared to death that if I didn’t have you to tell me you loved me, to tell me that I was worth it, then no one would.

I didn’t leave you even when I realized I was hanging on by a thread, and you were holding the scissors that could cut it.

I didn’t leave you even though I fell out of love with you.

But somehow I finally gained the courage to leave you. Through my utter terror of what would happen once you weren’t there, I said goodbye. And it broke my heart.

But it doesn’t hurt anymore. I truly am sorry for my part in hurting you, even if you don’t believe that. But without you, I found my strength. I define who I am now, because although you broke me, I am learning how to mend. TC mark

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