New Year’s is one of my favorite holidays because I love fresh starts. I love the idea of starting over, being true to yourself. For New Year’s 2018 I was about to turn 23, about to start my last semester of college and I had my long-term boyfriend who I thought I’d marry one day. I thought it was going to be my year for sure. I was confident that this was going to be the year that it all came together.
One thing I also love about New Year’s is the energy and the champagne, of course the champagne. We were at one of my favorite bars, Fremont, with an unlimited drink package and I had a for sure midnight kiss with my boyfriend. I had written down my resolutions like I always do, but this year, I took “New Year, New Me” to a whole new level.
I got a few drinks in me and I looked at my friend and said, “I want to kiss a girl tonight”.
I think I secretly wanted it to be her? I will always wonder. I was drunk. But she was supportive, and so was my boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked why he was going to let me make out with a girl and he said, “it’s okay, she’s a lesbian when she’s drunk”. HUGE sign right there, guys!
I blacked out and don’t remember a lot of the night. I don’t know how I found this random girl, but I remember making out with her right in front of my boyfriend, right in front of the bar. I remember my hands in her hair. I didn’t want to stop kissing her. My plum lipstick was smeared over my lips, and I wanted to be with a girl so bad that night.
I vaguely remember texting my boyfriend’s friend, who happens to be a lesbian.
“Hey it’s Bailey and I would definitely fuck you,” I had sent to my boyfriend’s good friend. I panicked. My boyfriend really didn’t think anything of it, but I knew I had some real shit to figure out. That text was meaningless, but at the same time, it wasn’t. Deep down, I knew that this meant something. I knew that I couldn’t ignore the fact that I was thinking about women ALL night. Not only was I thinking about women all night, but I wasn’t thinking about my boyfriend. Why did I want to kiss girls last night? Why did I text his friend? Why didn’t I just want to have sex with my boyfriend?
He and I had a long talk about how I could date women. Go “exploring” as people might say. He just wanted me to figure out my sexuality. He wanted me to be happy, but he also wanted answers. He didn’t want to wait around forever. Deep down in my heart, I already knew that I was a lesbian. I would tell my friends that I was 100% gay. Every time I would try to convince myself that I wasn’t, I would feel to my core that women were what I wanted.
I held on to my boyfriend for a long time. We stayed “together” for about 2.5 months after New Year’s. Our relationship was difficult and emotionally draining. We didn’t have sex. We cried a lot. I knew what was coming and so did he. I tried to tell myself to trust the magic of new beginnings, but I couldn’t.
Every night I would lie in bed and think about how there was no way I could be gay. No way, nope. Me, gay? No. Nopeeee. I just didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want to let go of my boyfriend, the man who loved me with every cell in his body. I didn’t want to have to go back into the dating world. I didn’t want to have to deal with judgment from others for being a lesbian. But most importantly, I didn’t want to completely break my boyfriend. He deserved better. Time passed, and our relationship was difficult. Every time we saw each other, we cried. It was officially been 2.5 months since I first mentioned wanting to explore my sexuality. At this point, I had never been so sure that I was a lesbian. When I drove to his house to end things I just couldn’t keep it together. I was crying hysterically. All I said was, “I want to date women. I want to be able to date them without restrictions”. We both cried and screamed. Breaking up with my best friend was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I wondered every second of the day if I made the right choice. I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. What have I just done? I thought I made a horrible mistake. I had just destroyed the love of my life. But I now had to accept that I was gay. How could I even live with myself?
But shockingly sooner rather than later, every day got easier. As they say, time heals most. As time passed, things got better. The life that I thought I loved, was even better lived as a lesbian. Suddenly, I felt free. I felt free of judgment, I felt free of guilt. I felt so open to express myself. A weight was lifted off my shoulders. I now know that I was so scared of coming out not because I was unsure, but because I didn’t want to hurt him. The Universe would tell me that my ex-boyfriend would be okay…I knew he would be. Embracing my sexuality is the best thing I have ever done. Being a lesbian has made me so happy. I discovered that my happiness means being a lesbian. My happiness was hiding for so many years, but this New Year’s Eve I finally found where it was hiding.