I wish my mind were a four-way street, so there will be multiple chances for you to get hit by a bus or a truck every time you cross it — which, if I’m being honest, is almost all the time, but mostly before I sleep and when I wake up. It sounds horrible to wish for, but I hope you know how much it hurts to miss you all the time while you clearly do not give a damn, and then have to pretend I’m okay simply because people can’t take a hint that I get tired of talking about my feelings.
It’s torturous to think that you might never have thought about me anyway, that I’m way too insignificant for your concern. You live your life without me, like I’ve never meant anything to you. Like all those memories we had and the secrets we shared were absolutely redundant. How do you do that? How do you pull through? How do you just,completely erase my existence?
I have cut off a lot of people in my life simply because they serve no purpose, and they have forgotten about me entirely, they found someone better than me and decided to move on to a future where I play no prominent role — if life were a movie, I’d probably just be an extra, a passer-by the star used to know and no longer cares about. I should do the same to you but deep down, my heart refuses to. And the big question is why?
It’s bizarre how someone can transition from a stranger to a friend, to slightly more than friends and when things fall apart, back to strangers again. It happens so gradually and silently, that you don’t see it coming. I should’ve known that our relationship was heading for the ruins ever since the day I got attached to you. I accept the fact that we are not meant to be, in spite of how much we have in common and how much we mutually understand each other, but I did not expect “we can’t be more than friends” to be a complete deal breaker to our friendship. I realize that things will never be the same, and to recover from the damage is near to impossible,but it hurts to know that I’m the only one fighting to keep the friendship.
There are times when I feel like I’ve completely moved on, and then something triggers that long gone emotion buried deep within the valleys of supposedly broken hopes. The memories that linger with each and every single stimuli my senses pick up throughout the day, from songs to a variety of scents and sometimes even visuals.
There is no escaping flashbacks of you, it seems.
The fried chicken joint that sells crispy chicken tenders reminds me of the time I pretended to be full and gave you my mashed potatoes because you love them.
The smell of the rain reminds me of the time we watched our favorite band live in concert together and I cried in the rain, so you comforted me because you thought I had the flu — silly you.
Slippery floors remind me of the time you tripped on my shoe and I laughed at you, only to find myself tripping on your shoes not one second later — karma is a bitch, but we both had a good laugh on the floor.
Falling asleep while texting reminds me of the time you panicked when I didn’t reply to your text, so you flooded my inbox with probably 50 messages, only to find out I dozed off out of exhaustion.
Waking up to the radio reminds of the time I hit the sack earlier than you did so you decided to link me a song for me to “start the day with” the next morning.
Little hills remind me of the time you tried to be a gentleman and offered your hand to help me climb up a small cliff, but slipped and I caught you by the shoulders.
That one pair of heels remind me of the time you called me short and kicked my stiletto just to mess with me, and then you ran when I tried to kick you back.
My cell phone lock screen reminds me of the time you figured out my password pattern and tried to spread it to everyone in our gang, so I poked you in the rib.
The couch reminds me of the time you came to my house for Eid, and fell asleep when everyone was too busy sharing horror stories.
The hallways remind me of the time we had our first rave together at midnight,and we sang our lungs out to the tune of “If I Lose Myself” in the empty hallway — that was the night you proclaimed it to be “our song”.
Cab rides remind me of the time I helped you and our friend move to a new apartment. She purposely left us in the same cab alone with your stuff while she took a separate one with hers just because she knows I had sort of a crush on you.
But there is one thing I will never forget: morning wake up calls. They remind me of the time you looked at our schedule wrongly and woke me up at 8am, asking me where the venue for the class is. It was the only day I could have slept in but you ruined it, yet I couldn’t get mad at you at all.
Because that was the moment when I realized that you were not just a friend to me. You can never be just that, and I guess I can pretend all I want, it will never change how I feel about you — even if you don’t feel the same way about me.
And maybe the reason I can’t let go is not because I’m stubborn, but because maybe… maybe I’ve actually started to love you. You may no longer be in my life anymore, but you will always be a part of my memories.