Something we wish we had control over, but which could conquer our lives without us even knowing it. We keep telling ourselves that there’s a reason why the brain is placed in a position higher than the heart — so that we’re always reminded to keep our minds over matter — but how many times did we actually think before we obey our feelings? Be it gut feelings or blind emotions, both are similarly mindless. You know you’re going to get hurt eventually, but sometimes these things are just beyond your power. You may be the smartest person alive, but when it comes to feelings, I’m sorry to say, everyone’s rendered dumb as a mule.
When it comes to emotions, we thought we could set rules and principles to abide by and then someone special shows up – someone who is able to rip apart all the codes you’ve compiled into a book – that set of rules you were supposed to use as somewhat of a guide to your love life. And that checklist containing items of your dream person? Shredded to smithereens.
This person doesn’t fit the bill, isn’t your type, and yet they made you weak on your knees. They occupies a large space in your heart, leaving the rest of your crushes squeezed into a small studio-like area that barely fits a decent bed, let alone furniture. Before and after and while you sleep, they go up to the subconscious part of your mind, and feed your thoughts with flashbacks of moments spent with him, every single one of it from the biggest moments to the simple jokes he made over the texts they send you. They turn into dreams, sweet dreams, wishful thinking, which leads to expectations. Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and there they are, lingering in your thoughts. Your heart feels heavy,and tears stream down your face. How did it come to this?
They were barely anybody when you first met them. You barely talk but when you started to, the conversations get too deep and extended too long. They started empathizing with your every dismay, and you began to return the favor. You feel like you can talk to them about anything,and in return they open up to you. The chemistry is amazing. The two of you could be genuine around each other, and then you realized that it has become a routine to talk to them on a daily basis. You realized that in spite of certain prominent differences in personality traits, they really are just a mirror image of yourself. Are they your soulmate?, you ask yourself. You start looking up for signs that you’re crushing on them, and all signs return you a positive answer.
You go into denial stage, you ask them to hang out with you, just the two of you, for some sort of false justification that you do not have feelings for them, and even if you do, it was platonic. It doesn’t turn out the way you want it to. Your feelings get deeper when you realize that you miss them when they’re not there, and get terribly jealous when they hang out with their other friends more than they hang out with you. You wish you were their best friend, but of course, your heart wants to be relegated to that stage. The friends. You want more.
You swallow your feelings, and plan to keep it to yourself but every time you see them, your heart beats faster. You lose your common sense, and you try to keep it cool but you’re so nervous, you start dropping everything you hold. They call you a klutz. They don’t know this is the effect they have on you. That you’re only klutzy when they’re around. How could they? They don’t see you any other way.
The two of you seem like you were meant for each other. But then, they suddenly stop talking to you, and you don’t know why. You think you could live with it by telling yourself they’re busy, but you know deep down that something’s wrong. And anyway, why do you care so much? You couldn’t stop thinking about them but the only thing that distracts your mind is the work you have for school and the exams you have to study for. You think about them with every chance you get, and you know that your feelings are intensifying. No matter how hard you try, you can’t get them off of your mind. It kills you inside when you can’t brush off the feelings.
Would you risk losing a friend because of your emotions?
You text them, but they’re not the same person anymore. They grow distant, more zoned out, less who you remember. When you point this out, there’s silence on the other line. Maybe there’s someone else, you think, but you don’t know for sure.
You take a leap of faith, pick up your phone one night, and tell them everything. You expect a bad answer, one that would break your heart. You are prepared for the worst, but the unthinkable happens. You pour your feelings out, and then — they apologize. You didn’t know what to do. They keep apologizing for not knowing how to react to your sudden outburst. They say they’ll think about it, but days and nights pass, and still nothing from their end. You start to lose hope, but you wanted to salvage and undo the damage. You text them, reassuring them that it’s okay to not feel the same way. Feeling can’t be forced nor stopped. No reply. They changed. They used to reply to the most trivial texts you sent them, and now? Nothing. And you just sit there, waiting and waiting.
Your friends try to convince you that they’re not worth it and that you deserve better. Your mind agrees but your heart stays anchored on where you stand. You try to walk away, but you can’t move. You try to move on, but “maybe” lingers on your mind. What if they’re just confused? What is they’re contemplating something? What if they don’t care? What if.
You expected closure but you get none, you begin to question where you patience comes from. It’s amazing how long you’ll wait.
Maybe you shouldn’t have told them, but somehow you regret nothing. It’s better to regret something you did or said rather than regret something you didn’t do or say.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t have feelings, but then I was brought back to the days when all I could feel was numbness. It was hell — I didn’t laugh, I couldn’t cry, and I had amazing anger management but I felt empty. It was almost as if I was a mindless, soul-less shell of a human being, walking about just for the sole purpose of existing.
Emotions, the only aspect that tells apart human beings from other entities with almost similar level of intelligence. Emotions are the only proof that we are living. Sometimes it’s good to get hurt. It reminds you that your heart is still beating and your soul is still intact.