I grew up having a list of petty wants and non-negotiable deal breakers. I set unbelievable standards to keep my attraction at bay. I say “no” to dates because it was either too early or too late. I endlessly put nice guys into the friend zone. And I end things before it even begins.
I know how it all starts- a text, a smile, a glass of beer, a Facebook friend request, a lift home. And it scares me; it scares me to think that maybe everything is just ‘in the moment’. That those moments were just a phase in passing and when they realize that I’m not worth the wait, or worth tying themselves to, I’m nothing else but a wallflower.
And to keep myself in check from the possibilities of heartache, I always disclose my flaws, I don’t hide my bad habits, and I’m upfront with what I want and don’t. I rather open it all up so they can back away early on before I’m too invested to put myself back together. I rather drive them away now before they realize that they were just in the zone from that 2am drunk conversation or that lingering but purposeful look before going home.
I’m not an easy person and I’ve been pushing people away because it’s easier than dealing with the reality that someone can find my imperfections unbelievably beautiful.
But then a part of me always knew that when you find that person that makes you want to take the chance with love, you see yourself captivated even by the little things- a reminder to eat, a simple text right after your date, a kiss at the right moment.
Everything suddenly makes sense.
Your ideal guy standard is overhauled and you realize that its all those little things summed up that made you appreciate someone. It’s all those tiny moments that pile up when you finally figure out that you grew into the love you truly care about. It’s the time you accept that the checklist you always updated is not gonna matter. It’s when you realize that the logic you were always trying to apply for years doesn’t work anymore and the walls you spent years to maintain has been torn down. But what’s important is the fact that you allowed love. You allowed love to finally enter and you feel happy and content- and it feels nice.