You were more than okay then- fearless and dependent only on yourself. You don’t have all riches or success, but you were genuinely happy and constantly yearning for more of it. You do believe that there’s more to life than love and you know it isn’t like some fairy tale where happily ever afters always exist. Despite the bitterness you show up front, you know deep down that you’re prepared to use your head when your heart starts to take a stroll. After all, the walls you built were specifically made as a safety zone for this purpose. You know who you are and you know to what extent you can fight back and you use that to your advantage… that’s your thought.
You wanted to believe and hope that life is somehow generous with giving you someone who’s parring up with both the strong independent you and the vulnerable crybaby alter ego. That somehow, you trusted life to hand you a little gift that you thought was to compensate for the several things you sacrificed and put up with. But then at one point or another, this present starts to screw you up like all the other times, and you realize it’s just a game that life wants to play.. but you never wanted to play it.
You realize that you didn’t sign up for any of the hurting, but at the back of your head, you know you actually did at the very moment you allowed yourself bring down the walls you built. And somehow, amidst the hopes you let yourself believe in, you’re just as broken as everything you allowed yourself to be part of. You question if you’re even allowed to be upset and mad and irritated in all the ill events when you personally put yourself in them.
There’s a mix of all these emotions and feelings and confusion, not knowing what to do next, or what to feel next because you weren’t prepared for all the drama that came with it. You stare blankly in the office and constantly dwell on all the “I told you so’s” you noted before anything ever began. You indulge yourself in all the bitterness, and you can’t help feeling sorry for yourself for the time you thought it was all going to be fine, but it didn’t.
Love can be frustrating and addicting altogether. You’re bound to feel and do things you swore to yourself not to and you wouldn’t ever understand why. It’s one of the best and worst feelings out there for anyone who dares and it’s capable of fueling multiple emotions all at the same time.
Love can be an insatiable beast that eats you up. It’s the kind that chases you on a run that makes you feel, think, and linger without your consent. And while in that race to catch up to your emotional side, you realize it’s too much to bear and there’s no pit stop for your break down. It consumes you from inside out feeding off all the emotional investments that keep that creature growing inside you. And then you question again why you let it be.. only to prove once more that it’s all your fault.