This Is What Anxiety Taught Me

Anxiety is when the feeling of fear, worry, and uneasiness is present. It ruins your life. It eats away all the positive energy out of you and replaces your thoughts with all the negativity you can imagine until there’s nothing left. You may think that this is just a simple problem. A simple thought that crosses your mind every once in a while, but this is serious business.

I have anxiety since I was in high school. I dread the acceptance of other people and was very afraid to express myself vocally. Only scraps of paper and pen to accompany me during quiet times. I started thinking that people didn’t like me, that they hated me since I’m nobody. Because of that, I was treated as an outcast. A weird girl with weird habits. I quit going to school and went to different and far places by foot without knowing what will happen to me. To be honest, I wasn’t afraid that time. Thinking that I was free of all worries and into my own small but perfect world. I, then shut myself out to the world. I kept telling myself that it’ll be alright, but I was wrong.

I couldn’t hide the fact that I ran away from school and my home where my loving family resides. Ran away from all those shit that got me into this mess. Ran away from the ghost of myself. But I just dug for a temporary solace and eventually find myself into dark pit of grave that I couldn’t get out of. Then alas, my buddy Anxiety seeped in and feed on my fears and worries. It spoon-fed me that I am no longer needed in this world and how of a trash I am. And with that, I’m ready to commit several suicide attempts. Cut my veins, meet a rampaging bus, jump from a rotten bridge into an infamous river, etc. With all of these attempts, nothing worked. Why? Because whenever I am about to do it, something miraculous happens that prevents me from it. Is it just coincidence or something up from above is preventing me to hurt myself?

How did I manage to live as of now? That’s when realization hit me. Hard. I laughed at my own stupidity. I forgot that one thing I left behind but still it saved me. It was love. A person cannot live and exist in this cruel but beautiful world without the feeling of love. Love is acceptance. It is unconditional. Somehow in my state then, I was totally blinded by anxiety that I forgot this feeling. I have a lovable family to come back to, church mates who know me well and accept me and the Father in heaven that guides and loves me. With love comes help, assistance and nurturing. I sought the help of God and the people who loves me and they didn’t fail me. We are the ones who shut the door but good thing, there’s still an open window.

It is our own fault sometimes for closing our eyes and not feeling at all. For the people who’re still enslaved by Anxiety, know that you are not alone. Do not give up. Do not falter. You are not weak. And for those relatives, friends or just someone who knows a person who suffers from this rotten thought: Express your love to them. You’ll never know when they’ll need it the most. The comfort and appreciation, that is what we need. THEY. NEED. YOU.