How To Feel Whole Again When A Relationship Ends

Stop counting the days that you have been in no contact and realize that you are more than that. You are more than having to keep track of how long you have managed to stay silent for.  You are more than waiting for someone to reach out to you. You don’t NEED them to reach out to you.

Any love or void that is empty, you can fill it yourself. You can give yourself what you need.

When an individual has chosen to remove themselves from your life, feel grateful for the time they have spent with you and look to the future. Lack is not love. You can feel good and be happy without anything externally validating you or appreciating you.

The more hurt and lost you feel from the absence of another’s presence and physical representation of love that they gave you is an even bigger signpost to learn a lesson. That real, true love comes from within and that you can feel this way through your own power.

Why would we spend so much time putting our energy into another helping us feel good? When we dress up every time we see them to get that one compliment or we start working out more so they notice that we take care of our bodies. People are temporary in our lives, but you will always be with you, so start that relationship with yourself. Give yourself those compliments and make the effort for YOU. It doesn’t have to be that the only time we feel truly special is when the love of another raises us up. It’s unreliable and often it comes from you externally validating their ego too.

You don’t love each other, you just love how it feels to be together because you can’t find that validation within yourselves.

When a relationship ends and you didn’t want it to, you’re faced with a challenge; the pain is too much to bear, and so we feel we must take action to numb that pain. You want to DO something, anything, to change the feeling, be it reaching out to them consistently so as to not have to deal with the reality or perhaps jumping straight into another relationship, taking drugs, or drinking too much. All these actions have one thing in common: They are escapism. They are running away from a problem, and they are not accepting it. To accept what has happened, you need to FEEL the pain. Because that is your truth, and that is where you REALLY are. Please embrace it—it’s that lesson you have been running from your entire life. To harness real positive transformation from a time of deep pain within yourself, you have to feel it, accept it, realize that without this step there is no moving forward, there is no journey, there is no change.  Every time you feel unworthy without that person in your life anymore, you are sitting in the stagnation that is not allowing you to move forward.

When you become deeply attached to another, their validation becomes your air supply and you wonder how you breathed without it.  But you did—there were years and years before them and there will be years and years after them. We are human, we adapt, we change, we transform.  If you can so openly accept the validation from another, so willingly change your processes to rely on an individual’s love and not your own, then you can change it back. You can REMEMBER what it was like to have your own back, that you existed before them—you mattered before them.

Understanding and embracing the true meaning behind the ending of a union is what will set you free, and you’ll realize that the only person who can’t cut off that air supply of love, adoration, and validation is you.  So, take it from yourself, because that is reliable. That is strength, and that is the unconditional support that you crave from another.

Falling in love is so intoxicating because we fall in love with ourselves. The mate we find holds up the mirror and points out to us all the things we didn’t realize or couldn’t accept about our beauty, inside and out. You start to believe there is beauty and attraction to who you are because another is telling you that there is. But what about the times that they aren’t there? Or they can’t because they’re preoccupied with their own problems, or they need you to validate them too? When the relationship ends, we suddenly question if our beauty and attraction was real because we don’t have that person to witness it and reinforce it. We might even feel like our whole existence is questionable and unworthy because we relied so heavily on another to authenticate us, to prove to us we are enough.

I am here to tell you, that it does not need to be that way. You decided that only someone external to you could make you feel those things. That was a subconscious decision that you made. It’s not a rule that can’t be broken; it’s not even the truth. It’s a subconscious boundary that was put in place BY YOU, that says, “I am nothing until another person tells me I am something,” and so, it begs the question: If this rule was put in place by you, can it be taken away? Can it be questioned?

And the answer is absolutely yes.  If you don’t want to feel like another person is your reason to live, then change the rule. Dig deep down into your roots and pull them all out of the earth and grow new ones—grow new beliefs. Decide today that you are the source of your happiness, you get to tell yourself that you are beautiful, you are the person to say I exist, I matter, I am loved, I am whole. This is true love. It is infinite, and it will always, always be there for you. Because it is you.

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I used to think I was Joan of Arc Follow Avril on Instagram or read more articles from Avril on Thought Catalog.

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