How To Be Generic Girls I Went to High School With Who Are Now My Facebook Friends

Constantly be excited about something, and express your excitement whenever and wherever possible. “Just booked tix to see Maroon 5 & Train with @caseybebe!!!! Sooooo pumped!!” or “TGIF!! :-)”

Keep a blog. Write three entries and post some shaky iPhone photos of “brunch with the girls!!” and then begin every future entry with “Sorry it’s been ages since my last update! Things have been soooo busy!” Alternatively, start a tumblr and blog about your dating experiences. Call it “Little Girl, Big City” and describe yourself as “just another girl trying to make it in the big apple <3”. Live only by the words of your idol, Carrie Bradshaw.  Somehow get 230 followers and go to a blogger meet-up and drink chai lattes with a whole bunch of other generic bloggers with whom you have little to talk about. Take photos and blog about what a great time you had and about how you have to do it again soon. Do not do it again soon.

Only listen to music that other people listen to, like Adele and Lady Gaga. Don’t listen to anything written before 1990, unless it’s ABBA or The Beatles, whom you only listen to so that you can say, “I LOOOOVE The Beatles” when someone brings them up. Post the music video for Willow Smith’s Whip Your Hair Back and Forth one month after it has already circulated the internet. “Soooo good! =)”

Watch Grey’s Anatomy. Watch Lost. Watch Bones. Watch How I Met Your Mother. Watch True Blood. Have parties with your girlfriends where you just stay in and watch True Blood. Update your Facebook status to “Watching True Blood with @Katie Ferguson and @Renee Hall!” List everything you like on Facebook and do not be ashamed that anyone will judge you for your choices. Under Favourite Books, list The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Lovely Bones, Harry Potter, Eat Pray Love, Bossypants and The Great Gatsby, just so that people don’t think you’re someone who only reads things recommended by Oprah. Under movies, list The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Mean Girls and I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT TWILIGHT!!! Under interests list “going to the gym, dancing, wearing gigantic heels (so I’m tall!), staying in and reading (lol I am such a nerd), brunching.” Or you could try, “I’m a Libra…pretty unpredictable! ;)”

Shop at The Gap and TJ Maxx, and Bloomingdales when your grandparents give you gift cards for Christmas. Send your girlfriends an email every time you get a coupon for Ann Taylor Loft with the subject line, “So tempting I know…!” Lust after things at J.Crew and Gilt Groupe but rarely buy them. Have no sense of irony.

Have a boyfriend. Refer to him as “the boy.” Get engaged in your early 20s and spend a year planning your wedding. Talk about it to anyone who’ll listen. Get married in a dress from David’s Bridal, at your family’s church, and honeymoon in Fiji or Disneyworld. Continue to refer to your husband as “the boy” or just “hubby.” Change your maiden name and relationship status on Facebook almost immediately after the wedding. Embrace married life by tweeting about sales at Crate & Barrel and weekend trips to Ithaca to visit the in-laws. Tag your husband as often as possible in your Facebook statuses to remind everyone that you have a husband. Realize that now you are married there is little to look forward to but having babies.

Have a Facebook profile picture of you drunkenly holding a mic and singing karaoke, or of you holding a cocktail, or of you and your BFF holding cocktails and microphones, because you are such a party girl and just love going out with the girls and having a good time. If you are already married, change your profile picture to one of you and your new hubby at your wedding and wait for the comments to roll in.

At bars, order Cosmopolitans because you can’t think of anything else to say when the bartender asks what you’re having. Wear strapless dresses and too-high heels and spend the entire time taking photos of yourself and your friends pouting and drinking cocktails. Dance briefly to the one song you recognize (ABBA’s Dancing Queen) and then sit out the rest of the evening because your heels are killing you. Make sure you get plenty of photos of you and the girls dancing so that everyone on Facebook thinks you had an amazing time.

Go to the gym. Hate the gym. Tweet “Off to the gym!” but end up not going because you hate it and all the other girls in your spin class are thinner than you. Stop going to the gym. Start going to Zumba. Tweet “Just did my first Zumba class! OMG SO FUN! I think I’m addicted!!!” Go to one more class and then stop going, realizing that it takes more than doing something once to get addicted to it. Go to Yoga. Tweet, “That Yoga class was amaaaazing! So nice to find my center again :-)”

Say things like, “I don’t go to Brooklyn, it’s full of hipsters.” Make jokes about how no one in Brooklyn takes showers or washes their hair. Confuse the concept of “hipsters” with “hippies” but decide it doesn’t matter anyway. Go out to brunch one day in Park Slope and realize that it’s actually reeeeallllly cool out here!! Make a pact to go back, at least once a year. TC mark

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    You forgot the “Generic white girl face.”

  • Meghan

    Why can't people be happy living their lives the way they want to live them? Okay, these girls didn't make the choices you did. They didn't make the choices I did, either. But that doesn't mean they're faking their happiness.

    • brandypass

      I think it would be preferable to think they are faking it!

      • CUSTOMCONCERN

        Because you can't understand other people except in relation to yourself. Got it.

      • brandypass

        What?

      • Kaitlyn_Flynn

        Wait, r u one of the generic girls I went to high school with who is now my friend on facebook?Why u so mad babe?

      • Customconcern

        Wait, are you the author of this article? Hi!

    • SisterRay

      They may not be faking it, but it doesn't make them…not boring or generic.

  • ZaneEatsWorld

    I agree. Things that are bad are dumb.

  • http://twitter.com/magalinahag alia

    Presented without comment: http://sushiwithmygirls.com/

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      Hey Marissa!

    • help me

      Can you please explain this website?

  • CUSTOMCONCERN

    Oh yeah I find those kinds of girls irritating too. But at least you got this article out of it right? You know? Spending x amount of your life writing a condescending piece cataloging (heh) all the ways in which those girls are irritating and uninteresting to you? Instead of just ignoring them or defriending them or accepting that they are happy to wallow in their banality? Yeah?

    Oh wait.

  • Erik

    How To Write A Thought Catalog Piece Making Fun of People Who Are Different Than Me

  • Eqv

    Yup, they definitely are 'generic'. Example: they don't write 'scathing articles' on 'alternative websites'.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      Chill out, she is 'Austrialian'.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=300901223 Nicolette Beach

        Austria+Australian?

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        No, I meant 'Australian'.

      • Bleh

        that's not a country, dickhead

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        Thanks for the spellcheck darling.

  • SisterRay

    Whoa there, Bossypants seems a little too edgy for the type of girls you're talking about. Otherwise you did a spectacular job of pinning them down. They are everyone's generic FB “friends” who we will still not talk to at our reunions.

  • Sam

    Yeah man those people are so boring! Now let's smoke some weed, listen to some Animal Collective, and discuss the merits of Helvetica Neue vs. original Helvetica!

    Those people are so boring!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      I personally enjoy 'Georgia'.

    • Fasdflkasd

      I'm holding out hope that this girl is enough of an asshole to not fall into this trap.

  • http://twitter.com/joshliburdi Josh Liburdi

    epic comments section incoming?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

    I'm more interested in how I can come off like a total bitch who talks shit about people on the internet.

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    I think you were like a year or two too late on this article.

  • Amy Lou

    But the only person I know like this isn't white. Sadface.

  • http://thetangential.com Becky Lang

    lol why are people so offended by this? it's so true.

    • CUSTOMCONCERN

      people are offended because it would be so easy to write an article entitled 'How to Be The Kind of Person That The Author of 'How To Be Generic Girls I Went To High School With' Clearly Is'.

  • http://twitter.com/MPN_MDaniels Melissa Daniels

    that was hilarious.

  • victoria elliott

    the author is so generic lol
    (am i self aware yet?)

    • CUSTOMCONCERN

      >implying that by writing 'am i self aware yet' you are somehow more self-aware than those with generic, entry-level self-awareness

      • victoria elliott

        got it

      • Customconcern

        I like your style.

  • Meg

    hey girls that refer to their boyfriend as “the boy” aren't bad, neither are girls that get overly excited about the one zumba class they attend, and again neither are girls who brunch, drink cocktails and take more pictures then dance.

    but they are in great supply, and more often then not their names blur together because their stories are similar.
    are they happy? sure seems that way. am i happy for them? as happy as i can be for the generic flood of people who i went to high school with.

    • Jordan

      I don't know, referring to someone as “the boy” is pretty bad in my opinion.  It just grates on me, and obviously other people too.

  • Daniel Crittenden

    Isn't there a Say Anything song about the author of this article?

    • Javier Pickle



      This is it. A friend once received the lyrics to this song as salvo in a FB bitch-fight. We laffed, but in all honesty she'd probably love this article (self-awarely).

  • Sam

    My other snark aside, it seemed like this article wasn't about any particular type of person; rather, it was about an abstraction of a person built from a relentless flood of social and corporate branding.

  • Javier Pickle

    Not that I didn't like it…

  • liker

    Hey, I liked this – I don't understand the issue everyone has with. She never says that being overly generic is wrong, moreover she's inviting you to question if you think it's wrong.
    Fuck Hipsters, you write an article and think someone will at least understand the irony of it- that yes, we all like brunch, and cocktails and shitty tv shows about vampires – but that the very things we like ourselve loose charm when the girls we always disliked like them.

  • anna

    love the article.. but i'm a little confused what someone's love life has to do with being generic. why is getting married in your  early or mid-20's a bad thing? some of us met our partners in high school or just after, and if all goes well, by your 20's most (usually) know weather they want to marry them or not. i mean, i get what you're saying when all they do is talk about the wedding when they get engaged, but it really isn't fair to say that all people who get engaged in their early 20's are generic. we just know what we want.

    • Dangelo

      ….GENERIC.

      • anna

        so love is generic? awesome. good to know.

      • Dangelo

        …PRECISELY.

    • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

      Duh. You already know the answer to this: you may not be boring, but I have friends I've removed from my newsfeed because every single status update is something like “Yum, garlic bread!” or “Hubby just fixed this burnout lightbulb! Yay!” I think using the word “hubby” in your status is a red (amber?) flag at least.

  • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

    Okay but we forgot about my favorite variety of this girl. This kind gets married when she's 18, has her baby shower at Chili's, has kids, posts boring hubby-related status messages—so generic that you forget she exists. Then one day, 9 years from graduation you happen across her profile and notice that she's divorced and an out lesbian, despite her conservative Catholic upbringing. (I almost learned a lesson about writing people off as “generic.” But she still posts boring dinner or weather or kid status updates sooo maybe not.)

  • Cranberry

    The thing that is most confusing about this article is that the writer is Aussie, and all the girls she went to high school with have no Gap, Bloomingdales, Crate & Barrel, Ithaca or Brooklyn access.

    And a generic American honeymoon isn't Fiji… and a generic Aussie vacation isn't Disneyworld.  So is she referring to a close-minded Manhattanite or a suburban Victorian? :-)

    • liker

      That's what I like about it! It blends culture so effectively- it realtes to both the Manhattanite and suburban Victorian, and even more its a further comment on the generic individual, so completely the same they have no culture or individuality which does come from place of birth.

      • Cranberry

        Came back days later…  None of those things listed exist in Australia (hence, not HER high school)!

        It wasn't to say the article is bad.  It is a typical American girl, but definitely not a typical Australian girl.

      • liker

        I'm a typical Australian girl! All of these things exist in Australia/ we hve knoweldge/ understanding of it.

  • Kaitlyn_Flynn

    THIS IS FUNNY. If you don't think it's funny and/or don't recognize this person, you're either: a.) this person, or b.) retarded 

    Just kidding, b.)not the audience, i guess.

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