So here I am, two weeks shy of my 20th birthday. I’m nowhere near excited. I’m hurt. I’m in pain. I don’t talk about my feelings with people because I keep things to myself. Sure I’m an open guy for others…but when it comes to my personal well-being I just can’t open up.
In a society where being an “asshole” to women is socially accepted now, I genuinely take pride in being a nice guy toward women that I like. Sometimes that gets women to pass on me because they mistake being “nice” for being “weak”. Definitely not the case for all men. I’ve seen so many nice guys get hurt because of that idea, but I never truly understood what that’s felt like up until recently.
Early last month, I had just gotten over a bad breakup and distanced myself enough from the past to move on happily with no problems. Just when I had moved on, she came in. I was grabbing my things from behind the counter of my gym when my friend was on Skype with his girlfriend, and me being the goof ball I am around my friends fooled around on Skype with her while my friend was looking away. The moment I step away to change, I get called back instantly because her friend wants to talk to me. I thought I had done something wrong (just assuming) and got called back to get scolded. What I didn’t know though is that her friend who I didn’t see saw me! She got my number down, we Skype’ for a few and then I left. We texted the night away. A few days in, this girl and I are clicking pretty well. She had the most beautiful smile and laugh. Facetiming with her would be the best parts of my night just because I had begun to forget about everything and everyone else. We genuinely clicked, and although I shouldn’t have…I took her best friends advice (my friend’s girlfriend who I was on Skype with) and asked her to be my girlfriend. This girl was amazing. She made me feel good again. I felt really happy after a long time. Colors were brighter, I noticed that I would be smiling more often and was overall just a far better, more positive person.
Then comes D-day. You ever wake up with the feeling that something bad is about to happen…but you’re not too sure what? Well I felt it…and because of past experiences I was dreading what was in the back of my mind. I get a text from her best friend that triggered a reaction in me… and it was a domino effect from there. One thing lead to another, and ultimately by the end of the night this girl and I were officially broken up.
I tried reasoning with myself why this happened, was there anything I could have done to prevent it? Was it just one of those right thing but wrong time type of relationships? This girl was in a relationship for 5 years before her and I got together…and was only single for 5-6 months before her and I got together. I tried explaining to myself (and ultimately became a martyr for the cause) that she didn’t experience many things and never had a chance to grow as a regular teenager. I was heartbroken…and no matter how hard I tried the following day, I was a mess. I took off from work just to take a step back and catch a deep breath from life. I tried so hard to reason with her and figure something out…but she wasn’t having it and I wasn’t going to try any harder than I already was.
A few weeks post break up, we’ve made our peace (well, she has) and just talked here and there as friends, nothing serious. I’m guilty for sending her the good morning text that shouldn’t have been sent. I’m even guiltier for trying to convince myself that her and I would get back together eventually. Boy was I wrong. As I was casually (I use the term casually very, very loosely) going through her Instagram, I realize her #teamsingle turns into a date! All the mending and patching up I’ve been doing goes straight back down the drain…and here I am in a world of anger and pain…but most importantly- heart break. This is what Kanye West must have felt like while producing 808s and Heartbreaks or when Kim K got engaged for the 72 day marriage.
I’ve tried to post up things on my Instagram trying to really express my emotions, but I end up deleting them. I can’t really find the right picture or words to really express my true sorrow right now, but seeing that picture of her and her new boyfriend doesn’t help me very much either.
I feel hurt. I feel so much pain and agony. I can’t begin to really understand where I should start to pick myself back up. Right now, I just feel so much self-pity. Maybe it was something I did or said to cause this breakup in the first place, but I regret ever falling for this beautiful, amazing person in the first place. Usually it’s females who go through pain after a breakup, but I’m here to let the world know that sometimes the guy feels the pain as well. Maybe it was my fault for letting down my guard completely for this woman. Maybe I should be mad at myself for not being taller or more of the thug type that used to appeal to her. Maybe I’m just a nice guy destined to be alone.
Right now, I’m feeling pain. I am nowhere near excited that my birthday is coming up. Every word I’ve ever told her I meant, and now they’re all just stabbing me and eating me up alive. This is what self-pity feels like. I don’t know what to do, or who to talk to about this, but I know this is what it feels like to be heart-broken. This is what it’s like for a nice guy like me to lose someone I cared about. I don’t know when I’ll get past this, I don’t know how either. I can only hope that this is a feeling people don’t get to experience, even though unfortunately they do. I want to just swear at her so much, just to get her to even understand the slightest amount about how I’m feeling right now, but I can’t even do that. I can’t swear to someone that I valued so much. I feel like just grabbing her and shaking her to make her realize she shouldn’t be with a thug and should be with someone like me (well, not someone else- just me).
I’m sad. I’m hurting. This is what heartbreak is for a guy.