“Would you be satisfied with our relationship, if I died tonight?”
I pause. And then re-read his WhatsApp status. I’m suddenly hit with a feeling of restlessness in my bones. I look around, shuffle my feet and then pause again.
‘Why on earth would he throw this question at me?’, I groan. The air around me feels heavy and tight as I imagine his dead body, and then, I feel a slight wetness on my cheek. The next thing you know, tears are falling and my fingers suddenly jolt into action, scribbling away a letter that should have been written months ago.
* * *
If you had died tonight, I would definitely not be satisfied with the last conversation we had. Sometimes we joke, sometimes we encourage the other person, sometimes we fling barbed words, and sometimes, we painfully ignore each other while staring at the phone, waiting for the other person to make the next move. But still, if you died after experiencing every such memory with me, I would never feel satisfied.
If we had last joked before you died, I’d desperately miss our light-hearted banter. I’d miss our mornings of long messages and nights filled with teasing one another and I would crave for more. But more importantly, I’d miss being myself with you.
If we had encouraged each other right before you died, I’d miss the lost opportunities of pushing each other to work harder. I’d miss the motivation. For quite sometime, I might even lose a part of me that drives me to study or create something new, because since the past few months, you’ve become an attachment point and my creations were often with you in my mind: you’re my indirect inspiration.
If we were curt or cold before you had died, I’d cry harder for the lost words and last bad memories. I’d curse myself for not letting you die happy and peacefully. I’d wonder if, had I created happier memories for you, would you have at least tried to force yourself to live, fight and struggle to survive because happy memories create hope, and anger clouds it, no matter how temporary and futile that rage was.
But most of all, I wouldn’t be satisfied because I never directly told you about my feelings.
Oh, I do express it in so many different ways, however small it is. But directly with words? No. I have always safe-guarded the “L-word” like a precious gem. Never say it, and never give it freely. And so I’d regret not telling you that I am falling in love with you and now that I have already said so, if you died tonight, I’d regret not being able to create a deeper and long lasting relationship with you, where we’d take care of each other and grow in every aspect of our life, together.