When I was younger, I have always wanted to grow up to be the girl every guy wanted. In those movies, everything seemed so perfect. Being the one who was constantly surrounded by guys. Not to mean that I am living that “perfect” life as seen in those fully-scripted storylines, but maybe I could somehow relate to it. Books and movies have never told you about what actually happens when you are “the girl.”
Heartbreaker was the label I gave to myself. The number of guys I have rejected in a year was the number of fingers a normal person would have on each hand. It seemed like when the elders said “This one is going to grow up being a heartbreaker,” it was meant to be a compliment. It is not as pretty as you think it is.
My recent experience will probably be the realest one ever. I cut off ties with a person who handed me the scissors, but he did not expect that I would ever do it. This is how I broke the guy who loved me.
I must have mistaken loneliness for love, that was why everything started and ended in a blink of an eye. I had this voice in my mind telling me to let this guy into my life, and to see if everything will work out in the end. They say, college is where you experience millions of new things and make memories that you are able to tell your grandchildren. It was not the fact that I have never fallen in love or been in a relationship, but this one was just exceptionally different in a way that everything seemed exactly like those dramas we watch on binge during school nights.
I have learned that I have every right to say no and that I can’t blame myself if he is not the one. I struggled, I fought, and I too cried whenever they threatened me saying that they would end their lives because life for them simply had no purpose. Everyone could see that threatening was simply childish and told me to ignore them but how could I ever ignore the fact that a person said that he wanted to kill himself? All I could think of was how I was driving a human being off the cliff. Suicide was a sensitive topic for me, therefore, I have always taken it seriously.
I broke him by ending things five days before our final exam. You could say that it was the worst timing ever, but I could not hold in the emotions any longer. I figured out my priorities and told myself that I can be better off without him, he was just not worth the pain.
Seeing a person sobbing furiously, squatting down on the school grounds, begging the other half to stay seemed to only happen in the fiction world, right? But no. It happened in college, in my life. I did not expect him to react such way. It was such a huge blow for him that he could not even stop crying. The worst part? I didn’t shed a single tear. Well, you could call me heartless, but I knew what I wanted.
You can not continue allowing a toxic person to keep on hurting you, and to keep holding you back from life. He was not the one, I already knew it from the start but curious me wanted to see if things would end up good. Oh well, it didn’t. I am not blaming it on him that he was not mature enough, because I was immature too. I gave him hope, and I knew I shouldn’t have in the first place.
He was hoping for just a tiny flicker, but there was none. He said he would change, but he couldn’t do it without me by his side. I told him to either ask for a chance again after he has changed or he has none at all. He had eliminated the chances by himself, I was in a tough spot as well. He had my happiness in his hands, but he never knew how to deal with it.
He may never look at girls the same way again after I broke him into pieces. I wondered if he truly loved me at all, because if he did, he would want me to be happy, even if it meant letting me go. My fault was that I gave him hope, allowed him to fall for me when I didn’t intend to catch him. I hope he finds his happiness one day, even though I have scarred him so deeply. The both of us deserve better than what each other could offer, so we shouldn’t settle for anything less.
This was how I broke him, a human being who merely wanted to love.