4 Things Every Preschool-Somethings Should Know

Let me start this by saying, dear 2 – 5 year olds, this is your time. These, your precious preschool years, will be the best of your life — it’s all downhill from here. Don’t waste them. I tell you this as a man full of regrets. This isn’t some nifty internet wisdom to be read in five minutes and scrolled past. No! This is fucking inter-generational zen. Use it lest you end up, like me, bitter and old and living vicariously through internet advice columns to strangers 20 years younger than you, waste these few and precious years! The time is now! Carpe Diem, children!

Now is your chance to make the choices and mistakes that I wish I had made will define your future! Your precious future! Live freely and furiously while you can, darlings, because after this the picture is bleak. Unhappiness and homework and complicated relationships with booze, if not former lovers await you. So listen up and do as I say, because I said so.

1. Just because you can eat your boogers, doesn’t mean you should eat your boogers

This applies to other edible things as well. Grass and bugs and hell, even your friends boogers. Some things are not meant to be eaten, no matter how appealing they look. Why waste your precious time and taste buds learning this simple fact of life first-hand when you can read it on the internet? See? I just saved you five minutes and a bunch of gagging noises. You’re welcome.

2. Stop crying

I know the temptation is there. Something is wrong and you don’t know how to tell the people that need to know, so you scream. That’s understandable. But it’s also annoying. So stop. Do yourself (and your parents) a favor, rent some Baby Einstein videos, and learn your fucking words. If you want people to take you seriously in this world, stop crying. I don’t care if you’re two, and the people interviewing you for a progressive social media internship in five years won’t, either.

3. Diapers are for babies

And you’re not a baby! At least you should be after reading this article. By pooping in your pants and not on the toilet, you’re making a fool of yourself. And, more importantly, you’re wasting time. These preschool years are few and fleeting, why would you want to waste them sitting on the changing table smiling like an idiot? Come on!

4. Your art mostly sucks

It’s become popular these days for adults to tell your that whatever noodles you glued together on some construction paper is a piece of art. And that it’s good art. And that’s a lie. If you’re drawing a house and I think it’s a cat, that’s a problem. Now’s the time to get your shit together start expressing yourself well. This stage in life is fleeting — blink and you’ll miss it! So you’d better get a head start on criticizing yourself and feeling perpetually insufficient because this is it, guys. TC mark

featured image – Shutterstock

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