Well, first off, ALL OF THEM. When culinary mastermind Guy Fieri opens a finger-lickin’ good joint in Vegas, as he did last week, it’s a civic duty to try each firecrackin’ item on his slamtastic menu. So really, I implore you to savor each work of art before your death, but if you must choose only 12, here they are, with a percentage attached which indicates your chances of survival (COS) after having eaten the item. If your chances are not strong, well, at least you’ve knocked something off your Guy Fieri Bucket List.
1. Tatted-Up Turkey Burger (COS: 65%)
It’s a turkey burger so it’s healthy, with cheese and bacon so it’s unhealthy, with Guy’s trademark donkey sauce so it’s delicious, with ‘tattoo’ in the name so it’s edgy, with a $16 price-tag so it’s a steal! Absolute must-have. And you’ll most likely live!
2. Old Skool Street Tacos (COS: 50%)
The one-sentence description — “Love, peace, and taco grease!” — is so mysteriously reticent it leaves you wanting more before you’ve even had a bite. What makes the tacos old school? What makes them street? How can love and peace possibly be involved? Due to the severe lack of intel, these are a total toss-up in terms of survival chances. Still a 100% chance you’ll enjoy ‘em, though.
3. Triple T Fries (COS: 2%)
“Hey man, do you know what the three T’s stand for?” Do I ever! THREE LEVELS OF TRUFFLE!!!!!!!!! Black truffle + gouda infused truffle + creamy white truffle. Something for every truffle lover, which is every human ever, clearly.
4. Brutha’s Badass Caesar Salad (COS: 100%)
Tons of parmesan cheese, Guy’s special dressing, and a perfect survival rating because it’s a salad! (Please overlook the fact that it’s served INSIDE ONE SINGLE GIANT “GARLIC MEGA CROUTON.”)
5. Guy-talian Foundue Dippers (COS: 30%)
Does Guy think ‘Italian’ is pronounced ‘EYE-talian?’ It’s not, right? Am I wrong here? Fieri’s got me questioning everything.
6. Parmageddon Wings (COS: 20%)
Okay, ‘parmageddon’ is actually pretty clever. And breaded chicken parmesan wings are actually a tasty snack with a solid survival percentage. Until you load on the “APOCALYPTIC MARINARA.”
7. Triple Doublemint Pie (COS: 15%)
This is clearly a response to an unsatisfied costumer who once said, “Yeah you know the normal amount of mint in this pie? Double that. AND THEN TRIPLE IT!” Hey, customers come first. Everybody knows that.
8. The Mac + Cheese Bacon Burger (COS: 0%)
I mean. Seriously?
9. The Guy-talian Deli Salad (COS: 70%)
It’s pronounced ‘EYE-talian’ isn’t it? I’ve been wrong this whole time, huh?
10. Fireball Whiskey Wings (COS: 1%)
As the description indicates, “These wings are certainly not for the faint of heart & should probably be illegal.” But every time I drink Fireball whiskey I end up ordering wings anyway, so they seem like an efficient no-brainer to me.
11. Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge (COS: 10%)
Ready? No, seriously. Prepare yourself. You might die from just hearing its description … “huge mountain of cheesecake” + “potato chips” + “pretzels” + “hot fudge.” Yeah, no, you weren’t ready.
12. The Mayor of Flavortown Burger (COS: 25%)
Yeah, yeah, everybody loves a “meat blanket of seasoned pastrami,” we get that. But what’s with the trademarked “awesome pretzel bun?” Pffftttt. As if all other pretzel buns aren’t awesome.