Martha Stewart, Lil Jon, And The Daytime Talk Show You Never Knew You Wanted

Late Night with Seth Meyers/NBC
Late Night with Seth Meyers/NBC

Late Night with Seth Meyers has existed for a mere two weeks. It’s been a choppy start. Some great segments, some less so. But as with anything, the recipe for success during turbulent times includes the following ingredients: Martha Stewart, Lil Jon, arts, crafts, puppies.

Martha Stewart and Lil Jon won’t be starring in a weekly HGTV program about creating arts and crafts for puppies. It matters not how much we plead, nor how much on-screen chemistry Martha and Jonathan demonstrate when together. Life sucks, so it’s just not gonna happen. But for a brief moment on a recent late night TV spot, we were able to dream.

Here in its gorgeous entirety, is Thursday night’s episode featuring the unlikely couple. Lil Jon joins Seth and Martha at the 25-minute mark. Then, fifteen minutes of pure ecstasy, culminating with Meyers suggesting his dear friends do a show together.

In a perfect world, Martha Stewart and Lil Jon would walk into some producer’s office carrying only their 15-minute Late Night segment. That’s all they’d need. Martha would calmly explain the idea for their show, which would be called Wrapping & Rapping: Puppy Crafts with Martha Stewart and Lil Jon. Occasionally, Jonathan would chime in with an enthused, “YEE-AAAHHH!” In less than an hour, they’d be the proud stars and executive producers of an original program. Of course, everything is terrible and we will never be so fortunate.

But thanks to Late Night with Seth Meyers, we have the exact blueprint for what could have been. Below is a description for each of the four segments of the weekly Martha Stewart and Lil Jon show that won’t happen.

SEGMENT ONE: Mutual Education

On a single love seat amid household vegetation, Lil Jon and Martha Stewart discuss relevant topics such as Reddit AMAs, dildos, and what radios are. Being on opposite ends of the knowledge spectrum, Martha and Jon naturally yield a plethora of learning opportunities. Lil Jon instructs Martha about the rap game, while Martha talks about life as a thug. This segment lasts four minutes, though the lessons learned last a lifetime.

SEGMENT TWO: Consolation

After a brief word from their sponsors, Martha and Jon move to the main stage of their set before a studio audience. They each sit in a chair designed 50% for an interviewer and 50% for an interviewee, as they’ll be interviewing each other simultaneously. Each week, we explore a new facet of Lil Jon’s complicated mind, and the same facet of Martha Stewart’s bland one. (Though have you seen her Reddit AMA?) They talk feelings, hopes, dogs, past lovers, their future together. This segment gets real and stays real for a full eight minutes. Fans and critics alike call it “weirdly sexual.”

HALFTIME: Listen to ‘Turn Down For What’

Everyone takes a break to listen to Lil Jon’s hit single, ‘Turn Down For What,’ because no human should go more than ten minutes without listening to Lil Jon’s hit single, ‘Turn Down For What.’

SEGMENT THREE: Dog Crafts/Martha Time

Leaving their seats behind, Martha and Lil Jon find a table on which crafts will be done, hard. Yes, viewers will learn how to create puppy bowls and bonnets and bows and balls. But more importantly, Martha is given a platform on which to shine. She’ll boss Lil Jon around the table, calling him names and making unwarranted threats. She’ll brag about her dog, wielding him as a weapon of intimidation. The third segment will last seven minutes, but don’t worry, it will feel more like 70.

SEGMENT FOUR: Lil Jon is Bored

The fourth segment of Wrapping & Rapping also takes place at the crafts table and is only three minutes long, but it’s the undisputed best part of the show. Once Martha’s fingers are bleeding from making magic with only construction paper, the audience’s attention turns to Lil Jon. He begins dancing around the crafts table, vaguely mocking Martha Stewart. She’ll get upset with Jonathan. Every single week this will happen — it’ll be a thing. But then Lil Jon will turn one of the crafts into a hat or necklace or auxiliary golden tooth, and the two besties will just laugh it off as the credits roll.

The true genius of Wrapping & Rapping is the personal growth found within. Martha learns to have some fun, Lil Jon learns to focus his attention, and we the viewers learn about the value of true friendship. Of course, no maturation process is actually going to occur, but in a way, I think just talking about it is what Martha and Jonathan would have wanted. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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