1. Constant Heartbreak, starring Desmond Hume and Daniel Faraday
Desmond and Faraday are time-traveling scientists paired together for a work project. Their relationship is initially tumultuous, but they eventually bond over their relatable hopelessly romantic dispositions. The Time Traveling Frenemy Twins — as they will now be called — stray from their mission to search for their long lost lovers. It’s a poignant story of courage, faith, and quantum physics. If it doesn’t get 12 Emmys within two years, then I just don’t have a read on the human species.
2. The Artz of Dentistry starring Rose, Bernard, Walt, and Artz
First, the bad news: Leslie Artz quits teaching high school science and becomes Bernard’s boss at the dentist’s office. Now, the good news: ROSE AND BERNARD ADOPT WALT AND EVERYBODY WINS. Finally, a warning: You won’t enjoy this show unless you’re into super relatable coming-of-age stories that provoke laughter, tears, thought, and forgiveness.
3. What’s Happening to My Body? starring John Locke and Fake Locke
In a horrifying extended metaphor, Locke and Fake Locke star in a Lifetime documentary aimed at guiding teenage girls through the struggles of puberty and their changing bodies. Incidentally, this made-for-TV movie will double as a PSA against human cloning. It instantly becomes the go-to documentary for middle school health classes everywhere.
4. Not Penny’s Band starring Charlie Pace, all other members of Drive Shaft
A making-the-band documentary about the one-hit-wonder British boy band, Drive Shaft. The story centers around Charlie and his brother, Liam. Penny has nothing to do with the series, but this title was clever.
5. Prime Time Fight: Sayid vs. Mr. Eko starring Sayid and Mr. Eko (duh)
Sayid and Mr. Eko fight. It’s awesome. They go 12 rounds. But there’s a controversy. Then fallout. We take sides. Sayid’s labeled a villain. Real-life Nadia leaves him. Tears abound.
6. Air Bud 108 starring VINCENT AND ALL HIS PUPPY FRIENDS
VINCENT GETS TO PLAY AND THERE ARE OTHER DOGS THERE TOO AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY ALL THE TIME!!!
7. 4/8/15/16/23/42 Jump Street starring Hurley and Sawyer
Working as special detectives, Hurley and Sawyer are assigned to a special project at State college, where they must work together to tear apart a corrupt fraternity from the inside.
8. Flight Risk starring Frank Lapidus
Frank is a world-class fighter pilot juggling a legendary career in the Air Force and a severe alcohol addiction. Unconfirmed (but like, pretty confirmed): Ben Linus guest-stars as an enabler of Frank’s alcoholism and he’s super annoying and rat-like but for some reason he still has a likable quality about him and everyone’s frustrated.
9. Man of Science, Woman of Herbs starring Jack Shepard and Sun Kwon
Jack Shepard — chief surgeon, medical marvel, everybody’s hero, etc. — struggles to keep pace in the emerging market of herbal medicine. Enter Sun Kwon: disgruntled daughter, independent woman, herbal remedy mastermind. The unlikely duo form an unstoppable medical team and an everlasting friendship. Serious question: Who doesn’t watch this? (Shonda Rhymes to serve as executive producer.)
10. Hawaiin Facts and Tank Tops starring Juliet Burke and her boobs
Elizabeth Mitchell walks around Hawaii in her vintage tank tops and teaches viewers about the state’s rich history. There are two target demographics: 65 year-old Hawaiian chieftains and 14 year-old boys.
11. Ageless Eyeliner starring Richard Alpert
Have you ever wanted to stop aging? Have you ever wanted the area around your eyes to be a bit darker? Well turn on some bizarre channel at 2:00 a.m. and catch this infomercial for the hot new product, Ageless Eyeliner, featuring Richard Alpert, a man who didn’t age and appeared to wear eye liner always!
12. I Speak Dead People starring Hurley and Miles
In a fresh and irreverent comedy series, Hurley and Miles talk to dead people and, if we’re being honest, womanize the hell out of greater Los Angeles.