You know what a fun business would be? The business of insulting. You just walk around disparaging folks. What a rush! If you ran an insulting business, you’d probably hire some thick-skinned, super creative employees. It’d be great. I would love to work in the business of insulting. But I don’t. So I’m not allowed to tell Julian Edelman that Tom Brady doesn’t have any help around him. And neither are you.
Brady doesn’t have Manning’s weapons. And considering the multiple transformations New England’s offense has undergone this season, Brady’s 2013 campaign has been one of his most impressive. But he’s not working with nothing. Julian Edelman is a bonafide playmaker. He’s swift. He’s tough. He has soft hands. If a grizzly bear and a trapeze artist had a baby… boom, Julian Edelman.
Plus, he’s an A-list TV star. Balancing Hollywood and the NFL must be challenging, but Edelman does it, thereby growing his legend. If you haven’t seen his cooking show, Smoothie Tyme, this is your cue. But beware: It might blow your mind.
But back to the football field for a second. There’s a reason Julian Edelman became Wes Welker 2.0 and not Danny Amendola. It’s no mistake the dude caught 105 passes for over 1,000 yards this season. He’s one of the most acrobatic receivers in football. He was 2013’s leader in “holy crap is he okay?!?!” catches. If the Patriots are playing in Superbowl XLVIII, Edelman will be a key reason why.
Yet, after you’ve seen Smoothie Tyme, none of that seems to matter anymore. But I do have some questions about the best Internet video of our generation. First of all, why is it spelled T – Y – M – E? I had never heard of the term ‘tyme,’ so I googled it and yielded two results.
The acronym: “take your money everywhere”
The Urban Dictionary definition: “having a good time with the help of an abundance of women and alcohol”
We’ll proceed under the assumption that when Edelman spelled it with a ‘y,’ he was going for a combination of the two — i.e., smoothies help him make so much money that he has to take it everywhere, which is usually in the general direction of women and alcohol.
That is, when he’s not in the end zone. Among his AFC competitors in 2013, Edelman finished 15th in touchdown catches. His ranking in all other relevant receiving statistics was more magnificent: 3rd in receptions, 10th in receiving yards, 7th in first-down catches, and — oh yeah, don’t forget — 3rd in punt-return yards. He’s a maven in the art of receiving.
And in the art of smoothie making. Genuinely, the Cake Batter Supreme smoothie looks tasty. But it’s the creation of the smoothie that’s left me intrigued. Is Edelman trolling us or is he actually that zany? The fusion of his offbeat attitude and the video’s quirky sound effects is just … well, I was going to say too much, but in truth, it’s not enough. I just want more Edelman. I want more Cake Batter Supreme.
If Tom Brady were to request the same, he’d be asking a lot. Edelman’s given him nine games with 7+ catches this year, including two with 13 receptions. At 27 years-old, Edelman is primed to be Brady’s go-to slot receiver for the indefinite future. You think he’s peaked already? Laughable.
This was a man who played quarterback in college, throwing for 30 touchdowns in his career. He scored 22 more times on the ground, but in three years at Kent State, he never caught a touchdown pass. In fact, he only caught one pass overall. It was an eleven-yard reception in 2008. I’d tell you more, but YouTube doesn’t seem to have any footage of what I assume students at Kent State refer to as “The Catch.” But I’m sure it was dope as hell.
As for his Smoothie Tyme peak — that came around the 1:02 mark when he unveiled a neon green fanny pack and you yelled “THAT’S WHERE THE SILK MILK WAS HIDING!” at your computer screen. Then the camera cuts to a close-up of the pack so you can see what it reads: “High Impact.” Hmm. Fitting, considering how highly impacted I was by the reveal. But before you stop watching the video because the fanny pack moment can’t possibly be topped, it’s protein time. Now, be careful during protein time, because when you add protein to a Cake Batter Supreme smoothie, a cataclysmic explosion occurs — one so extreme, Julian Edelman’s shirt flies off. Oh, if only we’d heeded the cautionary foreshadowing of the “High Impact” fanny pack. Pay attention, fools! Directors don’t just add fanny packs accidentally.
Yet realizing Smoothie Tyme is about to end is the tragic comedown. After Edelman blends his ingredients for 12 seconds while the camera zooms in on his intensified expression, he pours himself a glass and suddenly the best 2-and-a-half minutes of your life are over. Well, not before the star wide receiver hops onto his skateboard and rides away from obscurity into presumably further obscurity.
This dude is strange. And an acrobat on the football field. Keep doing you, Julian. I’m fully on board.