In case you missed it (either because you’ve been listening exclusively to Christmas carols since Thanksgiving or because Beyonce effectively stole the show), R. Kelly recently released a new album called ‘Black Panties.’ And it was incredible.
The album is more of a Shakespearean sonnet than a collection of a songs. Like renowned poets and artists before him, R. Kelly employs key literary elements, including simile and personification. For example, he likens oral sex to licking the middle of an Oreo cookie and he asks a vagina for her hand in marriage. The album is a journey from just oral sex to sex in every position, with two pit stops along the way: one, to explain how much money he’s been spending lately and two, to tell his haters to shut up.
On extra-special tracks, R. Kelly teams up with similarly influential modern poets, such as Ludacris, 2 Chainz, and Jeezy, to help preach about sexual intercourse. The tones range from soft and contemplative to gentle and pensive. The accompanying lyrics are, likewise, subtle—from the album’s first line, “Tonight, I want to hear you scream,” to its last, “I wanna do it in every position.”
I’m not going to make you listen to Black Panties in full, but you should at least be made aware of these seven lyrics, which sum up the album perfectly. Just think, at the Christmas table, you’ll have something to say when your grandparents ask what you’ve been listening to these days.
You have to appreciate R Kelly’s straightforwardness here. While at strip clubs, the man is not there for regular chit-chat. It’s about business. If you’re not there for the same reason, please go to a different section of the club. It’s a lesson in efficiency, really.
I can’t speak with 100% certainty, but I’m pretty sure R. Kelly is arguing that every person under the age of 23 was conceived while one of his songs was playing. This is a bold statement, but I’m not going to be the one to refute it. Also, yes, he sings the letters “O-M-G” rather than saying “Oh my God.”
Pudding is thick. So is this female’s behind. Strong lyric.
After starting the hook to My Story by cleverly rhyming “Chi-town dirt” with “Versace shirts,” R. Kelly cannot for the life of him think of something that rhymes with “bad hoes.” Clearly, he peaked early. So instead of changing the lyric, he repeats the end of the word ‘story’ eight additional times, as you do.
I am SO curious as to how this works.
First of all, if this girl’s ass has truly been stung by an entire hive of bees, then it requires immediate medical attention, and is not a joking matter. Secondly, R. Kelly casually revealing that he understands the economy of religious organizations, while simultaneously deifying the vagina is way too much of a mind fuck for me to handle.
Wait. Does R. Kelly consider himself to be good in bed? I never would have guessed.
You can say a lot of things about R. Kelly after listening to ‘Black Panties.’ You cannot say he is shy. From Crazy Sex to Throw This Money On You to Show Ya Pu**y, two things are made abundantly clear: one, that R Kelly likes sex, and two, he is proud of the role he plays in it. Oh, and another thing: when it comes time for me to conceive a child, I’ll undoubtedly have second thoughts about the whole operation if R. Kelly isn’t at least playing in the background. After all, the man knows what he knows.