1. Justin Timberlake
Between both albums of the 20/20 Experience, reuniting with N*Sync, and closing out yet another season of SNL, it’s pretty safe to say that this year belonged to Timberlake.
2. Breaking Bad
Has anyone checked on Aaron Paul lately? There’s a solid chance that after the series ended in September, he just went into a catatonic state. I’d be genuinely surprised if, this holiday season, he’s not lying pantsless in his dark living room watching Season 2 reruns of ‘Bad. In all seriousness, Aaron Paul absolutely texts Bryan Cranston every Friday afternoon: “Hey what’s up this weekend? Anything goin’ on?” There is no doubt it my mind about it.
3. Chris Christie
This year, Christie established himself as a legitimate 2016 Presidential candidate. This is great news for the Republican party, which is still searching for a 2012 Presidential candidate.
4. Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence can do no wrong. Trip at the Oscars? Adorable! Drunk during her Vogue interview? Relatable! Flips off the media? Classic! I feel like she could get addicted to cocaine, birth a few illegitimate kids, and Instragram homemade pornography, and we’d all say, “Oh my goodness, she’s just so perfect! She doesn’t let the fame affect her. It’s like she’s one of us!”
5. Jimmys On Talk Shows
If you host a late night talk show and your name is Jimmy, there’s a good chance you had a nice little 2013. Kimmel established himself as the King of Late Night with Internet hoaxes, Kanye riffs, and an Emmy nomination. Fallon earned the ultimate late night spot, supplanting the always-deplorable Jay Leno. And my cousin Jimmy finally bought a FlipCam, so he’s been filming late night interviews with our other cousins in his basement, to the tune of 36-ish views per episode.
6. The Almightly Listicle
Next year, instead of posting thousands of quick lists and edgy updates, we should just combine everything and publish one article called “764 Reasons You And Your Best Friend Are The Same Person, Also There Will Be Pictures Of Ryan Gosling And Cats.” I just feel like that would be more efficient.
7. Arianna Grande
I had never heard of this girl until four days ago. But when I googled “people who were huge in 2013” so that I could write this article, her name kept popping up. Of course, I continued my due diligence. Well apparently, she’s a popular recording artist who has a knack for releasing absolute fire jams. Personally, I think the softly warbled “I love the wayyyyy” should be the hook to every pop song for the next 25 years.
On February 3, 2013, Beyoncé Knowles became the first woman to win the Super Bowl. Then, on December 13, 2013, she became the first person to write, record, and film a corresponding music video for seventeen songs all in one day.
Beyond the debate regarding how misogynistic the song Blurred Lines and its corresponding video is, Robin owes a huge thank you to Emily, who helped make his music video go viral by dancing naked in it. We can only hope that when Emily Ratajkowski wants to debut her first song, Robin Thicke will dance naked in the video as reimbursement. I vote to make it a Christmas carol, with Thicke playing a naked Santa, featuring Pharrell as a naked elf.
10. Johnny Football
Johnny Manziel and I are really one and the same. We both get drunk a little too much. We both skip classes a little too often. And then on Saturdays during the fall, we like to throw the pigskin around with our friends—only he does it at a level high enough to win the Heisman Trophy, whereas I’m usually tapping out early because I’ve sprained my ankle again. Keep doing you, Johnny. You’re me, just a lot better.
11. Kendrick Lamar
Kendrick didn’t have a traditionally good year: he never went to rehab, he didn’t grow a massive beard, and he wasn’t the star of a viral twerking video. Rather, he repeatedly proved that he’s more talented than his rapping counterparts. But because his good year is only a credit to his skill and effort, he’s still relatively unknown. Thankfully, I’m going to act as a liaison between you and Wikipedia to help you learn more about Kendrick. Here’s all there is to know: he is from Compton, a magical Californian village which seems like a great place to raise your kids; his nickname is listed as “K-Dot,” which is horribly uncreative, so I changed it to “Kendrick Llama,” though Wikipedia has since changed it back; recently my friend went to a concert of Kendrick’s and said it was a good time. (Note: I did not read this on Wikipedia, but rather on my phone, in the form of a text message.)
12. The Royal Baby
George Alexander Louis? Huge yawn! What a terrible missed opportunity to name your baby something fun and creative! For the record, I was rooting for Dominic, Alastair, or Duncan. However, in the spirit of Kanye and Kim’s directional naming, I also would have accepted, “take a left after the Starbucks and it should be on your right.”
13. Game of Thrones, the Red Wedding, and maybe the greatest TV Twitter moment ever
Had aliens been scientifically observing our planet during the week the Red Wedding occurred, they would have had no idea it was a fictitious moment as part of a television program. The catastrophic wedding was, of course, not real, but the Twitter outbursts, memes, blog posts, Facebook statuses, and talk show jokes would be a convincing argument to the contrary. The recon aliens probably returned to home base with unfortunate news. “Nah, we didn’t get much. They actually had to deal with a universal tragedy that week. This dude George RR Martin murdered an entire royal family! It was really sad.”
14. The Song ‘Wagon Wheel’
You can have your ‘Blurred Lines,’ ‘Get Lucky,’ and ‘We Can’t Stop.’ I’m taking ‘Wagon Wheel.’ It broke the record for how many times someone said, “I don’t really like country music, but this song’s pretty good.”
15. Pope Francis
15. Pope Francis
Can we talk about how much TIME Magazine swaggerjacked me with this one? Hey TIME, thanks for just stealing my story, bro. Pope Francis—despite all the good he’s done—would not have been my vote for Person of the Year. Personally, I would’ve given the honors to Joseph Stalin. He won in 1939 and I haven’t seen enough reason to dethrone him yet.
16. Pitch Perfect, Anna Kendrick, and that stupid ‘Cups’ song that I hate but kind of love.
Granted, Pitch Perfect came out in 2012, but it has garnered such a cult following in such a short amount of time, that I felt the need to include it. I had the weirdest boner when I saw Pitch Perfect. My head was insisting I hate the film, but my heart kept telling me it was Oscar-worthy. Plus, when the movie was released, Kendrick was a clear frontrunner for my all-heartthrob squad, yet Rebel Wilson was the one I went home thinking about.
17. Miley Cyrus
It’s Miley’s world, we’re just living in it.