I, more often than not, find myself trying to be the bigger person. The one to take the high road. When tensions arise, I normally pride myself on turning the other cheek. However, after a recent and heart wrenching “break-up” (or something like that) I can’t bring myself to do that.
No. Not this time.
I admitted to being upset and having my feelings hurt. I believe my exact words were something like, “Wow. Ouch.” But then it happened. I lied. I told you congratulations and that, in layman’s terms, translates to “I’m happy for you and I wish you well.”
But if I’m honest… Screw you. If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t wish you well.
While I know this sounds like I place all the blame on you, I don’t. It sounds like I hate you, I don’t. Maybe one day I will be able to call or text or see you in WalMart and wish you well. Maybe. But today, I’m not ready. So, I don’t.
I don’t wish you well because for a tremendously long time, you were one of the most considerate individuals I ever met. Or so I thought. And end of the day, you aren’t. No one likes being bamboozled.
You’re a workaholic. All you did was work, work, work. I respect the hustle and your hard work definitely pays off. You’re amazing at what you do and I will always admire and envy your passion and skill for your career. However, me being the futuristic person that I am…I always envisioned myself and our kids eating dinner without you. Often. That thought alone scares and worries me, however, I guess that’s no longer a futuristic burden I have to bear.
It sounds cheesy and cliché, but you never wanted me to meet your friends. I invited you to hang out with me and come to events with my friends and I few times and every time it was, “Why, so they can judge me?” and although there always seemed to be that jokey undertone… You never met them. And although it doesn’t matter anymore, for what it’s worth, they wanted to.
Speaking of friends, there was that one time I met some of yours in that pretty professional setting and you thought it was okay to 1. Partake in conversation with them while I sat there being awkward for a moment, after not being introduced or acknowledged and 2. Discuss very personal details regarding you and I in front of people who I didn’t/don’t know and again, was never even properly introduced to.
You were a flake. Whenever I asked you to make time for us, you rarely did. There was always one excuse or another. Dinner with this person, work, more work, or plans with those friends I was never able to meet. This led to an argument where I was told that I fly by the seat of my pants, or some shit like that, which I took as an insult but later viewed as a compliment meaning I was as uptight and stuffy as some. I was told that plans needed to be made in advance, days. That I couldn’t just text you around noon requesting that we get dinner, (even after you got off work, because I tried that often too) the nerve of me! Also, because in all relationships, impromptu hangouts don’t exist. My dad has penciled my dearest mother in for all 30+ years of their marriage, I guess that’s why she decided to procreate with him and stick around for so long, eh?
You didn’t respect me, at least not the way I thought you did. When I wanted you, you knew. When I wasn’t sure we could make it work, you Knew. When I didn’t think it was best at the time, you knew. When I still wanted you, but wanted to date other people to make sure that you really were who/want I wanted, you knew. Notice a trend? But when you chose to date someone for over a month, all the while I was pursuing you 100% and you knew this… Did I know? No. And honestly, had I not asked you about it, something tells me I would still be sitting in my bed, in the literal and metaphorical dark, wondering why you’d been so cold the last time we talked or why I had this weird feeling in my stomach.
Finally, I don’t want to. I simply don’t want to be happy for you if you’re not with me. I feel like being bitter with you and having a hard heart. And while I am 120% aware that that’s selfish and unhealthy… Right now, at this moment I am more than okay with that.