An Open Letter To The First Person I Have Ever Loved

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If I had known just one more thing about you, or maybe two. If I had just known that one thing about you maybe I wouldn’t have done what I did. If my mind were clearer and my heart not so yearning, maybe I wouldn’t have been so open. I bet if I were older, more seasoned, maybe more jaded and far less naïve, I wouldn’t have fallen so hard.

But if we’re being honest, I’m glad I wasn’t those things, or that I’m still not…(although I do hope I’ve gained some insight from this experience). You gave me a glimpse into a world unknown, an emotion unknown, a side of me unknown. Although I do wish things were different, I don’t regret moments as enlightening as you were to me.

I can’t help but wonder if most of what I remember of you or us, or whatever we became was part of my imagination. But I don’t think that matters, not now. It was something of importance to me, I hope every man that I decide to open myself to, because you are among the first (I know you’re shocked), is as heart-wrenchingly heartwarming and heartbreaking as you were/are. I can’t even be sure that I was fully in tune with that organ prior to meeting you. Now I don’t want to give you too much credit…because as I said there was a break. There was pain, a type of pain I had not yet encountered in my short life. I can only hope that the next time won’t be as hard, that the shock factor of this newfound agony supplemented my reaction and heightened that pain.

But I don’t hope, because it’s hope in fact that became the leader in our demise. Maybe not on your end, but certainly on mine. It was the kind of blind hope I would resist, and through my stubborn know-it-all personality I would deny with every bone in my body and word that came out of my mouth. It was that same hope that seeped into my world, only, as per formulaic calculation of past occurrences, showed up just on time, in the form of disappointment. Does it deem me insane for letting that happen, for letting you do that to me, over and over again expecting a different result? Insane, naïve, hopeful…all the same.

With a clearer mind, it was admittedly the stupidity of dealing with emotions that caused me fear and resistance that led me to a state in which I felt a man of a larger stature was conveniently resting upon my chest making it temporarily, just a little harder to breathe. And, no offense, but my naïveté is what allowed you back into my life in the first place.

Credit is due where credit is deserved, you’re charming as all hell, and your words are what strung me the whole way. I have a weakness for height and a jawline like yours is my personal kryptonite. I still get a twinge even thinking of your presence.

But I’m young, I’m impressionable, and I’m far too trusting. I don’t know if you knew that, I don’t know if it mattered…But it may have when you broke promises that I had naively thought I mattered enough for you to want to keep. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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