15 Ways To Get Me To Swipe Left

1. You have exactly one photo.

I get it. You don’t use Facebook that often. You and your friends don’t take a bunch of selfies and then upload every single one of them. But if you don’t have two photos of you looking somewhat attractive, that probably means you aren’t attractive. Sorry, boo, can’t take the risk.

2. You might be Two-Face.

Your first picture was so promising. I swiped to your second photo, and damn— someone got hit with the ugly stick. Remember the Batman movie where Harvey Dent gets half his face burned off… did that happen to you? It might be a bad angle or even questionable lighting, but geez man, why did you pick that one? After 18 plus years on this planet, I want to know that you know what is attractive. That second photo definitely does not qualify.

3. You have a picture with a child who might be yours.

I love kids. I want a house full of them, but that does not mean I want to raise yours. I am a 19-year-old college student. I just started taking care of myself. There is no way I’m going to be able to help take care of a child. That being said, if you’re just a single dad looking for a good time, I don’t think Tinder is the best option for you and your kid. One night stands or even short term hookups do not need to know about your daughter/ son, or if you want them to know, tell them yourself. Don’t let one picture limit your potential matches.

Side note: If the kid isn’t yours, it doesn’t show that you’re sweet or sensitive. It just seems like you’re a single dad who’s trying to use his kid to get laid.

4. In one of your pictures you are shooting a gun/ holding a fish/ posing with a dead animal.

This is definitely personal preference, but Tinder is already kind of sketchy. Do I really want to meet up (usually at night) with someone who knows how to use a weapon and doesn’t have a problem killing animals? No thank you. I’d really prefer not to spend my Tuesday night becoming a serial killer victim.

5. There are more emojis in your bio than actual letters.

Oh yes, that Italian flag and flexed bicep really define you, huh? Those clinking beer glasses tell me you’re a guy who likes to have a good time… or wants to look like a guy who knows how to have a good time. You know what would really tell me who you are? WORDS. SENTENCES. Thoughts that cannot be summed up in 10 emojis or less. Show that you know how to construct a sentence. Show some substance. There’s more to you than the skiing emoji.

6. The only thing in your bio is your height— which isn’t that impressive.

I am above average for a woman— 5’8”. I want a guy who at least crosses the 6’0” mark. Of course there have been exceptions to that rule, but only after I got to know the guy. Don’t post your height on Tinder unless you’re tall. Girls still like short and average height guys, but generally, we’re a lot more accepting if we already know you. Don’t make that the first thing we see.

7. You have too many group photos

I am lazy. I’m lucky I get my ass to the gym 3 times a week. There’s no way I’m going to sift through your six group photos looking for the one guy who is consistent, even if you’re hot. And no that one selfie with the horrible lighting does not give me confidence in our potential Tinderella story. If I can’t see you, it’s to the left, to the left. And NEXT.

8. Our mutual friend(s) are assholes.

I’m sorry, I’m picky. I do not want to waste my time with the stereotypical jerk who just sends “DTF?” to every single girl he matches with. When our mutual Facebook friends give off that vibe, I’m going to assume that you give it off too. Sorry, not sorry.

9. Your “funny” bio is actually not funny at all.

Heheh. Heh. Clever joke, buddy. I think funny guys are incredibly attractive, but not everyone is a funny guy. That would just be ridiculous. I’d rather you not have a bio at all than something saying “Big fan of Hugh Jaenus.” Plenty of girls will still find you attractive if you don’t make them pee themselves laughing.

10. YOU ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ewwwwww. Do I really need to say anything else?

11. All of your pictures are of you in sports gear (including a helmet?!).

I get it. You are a lax bro. You wear your mid-calves and your penny to bed. You live the lax life. That is no excuse for every. Single. Picture to be of you wearing your helmet. Just because you’ve got an athlete’s body does not mean your face is not subject to scrutiny. There’s nothing worse than a hot bod and a butter face, babe.

12. You have multiple pictures with the same “not-girlfriend.”

I don’t care if she’s your sister or your best friend. Heck, she could even be your ugly cousin. If you have multiple pictures with the same girl, I am assuming that she is your girlfriend. I am also going to assume that you are an asshole who is trying to cheat on said girlfriend with the thirsty girls of Tinder. Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.

13. Every picture of you comes with a multitude of girls on your arms.

If you’re drowning in so much female attention, why are you on Tinder? Clearly you’re compensating for something. Swiping right to you seems like it would be the equivalent to swiping right to a date with herpes.

14. Your humble bragging is not so humble.

I live right across the river from Cambridge, so I’ve had a quite a few Harvard boys pop up on my screen. I know I’m not the only girl who has swiped right to a guy wearing a “Prestigious University” sweatshirt, but there is a limit. There is always that one guy who manages to incorporate the fact that he goes to Harvard into literally (Harvard) every (Crimson) picture (Ivy League Lover) and sentence (#BleedCrimson) of his profile.

15. That picture of you smoking.

It really doesn’t matter what you’re smoking. Actually cigarettes bother me 1000% more than weed does, but if I see a picture of you lighting up, I’m swiping left. I don’t want your smoke-singed mouth anywhere near mine.