I’ve wanted this piece of writing to be about us and how sorry I am. I’ve wanted to convince you how much I understand you but today – no, in fact, after weeks of working out, spending time at the gym, basically tiring myself out so that I don’t think too much – I don’t give a fuck anymore about what you think of me.
I don’t care if you think I’m needy, clingy, pushy, aggressive, spoilt or bitchy. I don’t care if you think I’m into you more than you do. I don’t care what you think of me when you read my lengthy text, or when I stopped talking to you because I simply had nothing to say.
I don’t care.
Like now as I write this, it’s me that I give a whole damn about. It’s my sanity I’m thinking of.
It’s for me.
The stupid girl who trusted you…way too much.
The Disney girl who thought we actually had a connection.
The insecure girl who wanted to be validated by you, who actually did not give a fuck.
Yes, I’m writing this for me.
I’m not sorry anymore for the things I’ve said. I’m not sorry for showing you how much I cared. I’m not sorry for loving you more than you think you deserved. I’m not sorry for trying to convince you that I’d be there. I’m not sorry for feeling sorry for you.
I don’t give a fuck anymore if you think I’m needy, desperate, foolish and just an idiot. I’m not going to Google, “the Art of Texting” (Yes I did that) and find the best words to text you.
I don’t give a fuck about this whole relationship game.
I will text you if I feel like it. I will write about you all I want. I will stop talking to you when I have nothing to say…
Because from the day we met until yesterday – where I finally had this epiphany – I’ve been a people pleaser. I was that girl who wanted you to like her for who she wasn’t. I was that girl who wanted to be your ideal partner by compromising the things she likes.
But right now, I don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m too tired trying to please you, trying to accommodate to your needs, to put your happiness first before mine, and to accept your bullshit.
I’m too tired trying to be someone I’m not.
So I’m going to be myself now. And you can’t stop me.