You’re only a phone call away, a simple text, another voicemail that my voice fills up in your inbox. I know all of that, yet I still won’t touch your name on my phone screen for my own good.
Yes, for once I am actually looking out for myself.
I want you to know I’m not bitter. I don’t focus my days around how badly you broke my heart and how I will go on with my life without you being the person who hears every detail of my good days and bad days. None of those thoughts occur to me and shockingly enough, I once thought that would be all you would leave me with. I spent days, weeks, and months getting over you. I probably drank an absurd unhealthy amount of pink wine and I lost myself in my writing. I had panic attacks on the bathroom floor that my best friends had to peel me off of. I spent all my time morning you, as if you were someone who died yet your ghost still haunted me.
No one ever told me that mourning the loss of someone still living is ten times harder than mourning someone who’s passed.
Your worst sides brought out the worst in me and somehow all the good I once tried to give to you ended up swallowing me whole. Some days I couldn’t tell if you were unaware of all the destruction you caused me or if you were okay with seeing me burn into ashes at your fingertips. You had your set of issues and I surely did as well, but I was more than willing to take yours in with no judgements ever made. That wasn’t good enough for you. You constantly made me feel as if I was never going to be good enough. I now know how wrong I was to ever feel that way. I remember the nights we spent in different rooms, the times my friends screamed at you as I cried watching them protect my own sanity, all the nights I lost sleep from fighting and making up within hours and some days even minutes. I can still feel the nostalgic feeling of our rollercoaster ride of a relationship. You and I were full of almosts and what could have beens.
I found myself to feel different without you. I felt confident instead of small. I saw myself of someone worthy rather than someone undeserving of being loved the RIGHT way. That is when I noticed what I was allowing you to do to me.
I try my best to hold onto the good times now. As cliche and basic as that sounds, its all I could do to let myself go. I remember all the summer days we spent driving without a car, laughing and making too many mistakes we fixed with a kiss at the end of the day. You were the person I experienced so many hardships with. I was your shoulder to cry on when you felt as if you were all alone. I associated you as my safe place until I no longer felt that comfort. Maybe in some ways we were trying to teach each other how to love one another the way we wanted. Possibly we just could never get it right because we weren’t right. I know about what drugs can do to people. I have watched people hook themselves on pills and drown themselves in alcohol. I never once thought that a love so toxic would leave me craving for my next fix. We were mainly flawed, but I know that all of our best sides is what kept me fighting for months on end.
You taught me that love and loyalty can override any silly argument. You taught me that I am more patient than I ever thought I was. You taught me how to be unapologetic in the way I live my life now.
So if there is any chance my name runs through your head like I know it does, just know that it is all okay now. I am no longer the girl who stays, the girl who lets people drain herself to the point where her she can’t even recognize her own reflection. I am someone made up of forgiven pain, resilient love and untouchable strength and vulnerability. You left me and told me it was for the better. You told me that as if you were some god giving me some sort of gift, a special type of miracle.
In some ways you were right. Your absence has benefited me in ways that are unimaginable.
My best friends say I glow brighter now, that my smile is no longer forced and I walk and talk with more compassion and class than I ever once did and I can see it too. So, if you think about me and you think that you saved me just know that this was all me this time. You were not a step in my process in healing. You did not have any part of my journey. Your toxic ways pushed me to love myself in ways you were incapable of. You were only the damage done and your leaving pushed me to become someone new, happier and free at last.
I hope you are happy now.
That is all we were both really searching for anyway.