Thank You, For Unknowingly Pushing Me To Love Myself

girl laying in the snow
Roksolana Zasiadko

First of all, I want to thank you.

You would think that I am full of bitter feelings and sour poems revolving around your eyes and how the sight of them still tears me apart. It looks like you are still wrong about me. Our story began like many others. I was just a girl out of a fresh new breakup and you were just another guy looking for a wild night and possibly I could be your partner in crime. You drowned me in sweetly spoken compliments that sounded of sugar and honey, yet at that moment in time I was suffering the brokenness of another skeleton in my closet. I had no clue that those words you so effortlessly said would one day define who I thought I was, who I thought we could be. Suddenly, you became someone who consumed my days and nights. You knew exactly what to say, do and how to act.

You knew me better than I knew myself at times. You had a charm and way about him that drew me in more while the days passed. I unapologetically fell in love with you. Then started abusing myself in the process.

However, that did not last too long.

You quickly started to push me to side, choose others over me and make me feel as though my love would never be enough for you. You left me feeling hopeless and weak. Those are two feeling that I have never associated with myself. I never knew that a year of losing myself would teach me how to start all over again.

I should have listened to the red flags instead of naively ignoring them. I wish I could go back and tell myself that pain is not true love, nothing is romantic about tear stained pillows and bottle breaking fights. You were not worth losing sleep over, losing time over and most importantly losing myself over. I catered to your every need. I was there the second you needed me with no questions asked, no judgements ever made. I did things for you that I knew you would have never done for me.I loved you the way I desperately wanted you to love me. In some way or another, I thought I could teach you how to love the right way. I thought I could overlook all of the times you disregarded me, the little jabs you made and the arguments that broke me down piece by piece. Most importantly, I forgave you and gave back in every single time just like you knew I would.

I thought I could fix you.

I wanted to teach you my love language. Now I know that people are not fixable. Everyone loves in their own amazing or toxic ways, and it is not my job to teach someone how to treat me properly. How I treat myself is how I will now set the standard.

Through all the sadness, the trials and the highs and lows I still stayed with you. There were times when you even told me I would never leave and I believed you because I knew I loved you more than I could ever love myself. You took all the light in me and turned it into darkness. My best friends no longer saw the same girl with a smile and glow to her. My eyes became hollow and swollen from nights full of crying myself to sleep. 365 days of weeping should have sent me running from you, but it never did. In my mind, I was strong for staying with you. I thought it made me patient and loving, but it only left me empty and defeated.

I don’t remember what day or what time it was, but one day I decided that I had to choose someone different for once. I decided to finally choose myself. I now choose to embrace all the things about me you once made nasty comments about to only belittle me.

I looked in the mirror one morning and no longer recognized the face staring back at me. The girl I once was would have never let herself get so low. I am someone made up of strength, kindness and power. I will never again let someone steal all of that away from me.

You always used to tell me I smiled too much or laughed too loud. Now I smile a little wider and laugh louder. I put my foot down and remind people of their place in my life. I will not accept disrespect and toxic relationships from this point forward. I put so much love and effort into you. I forgot that I deserved that so much more for my own well being. I hold my head higher now. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I am proud of who I am today and who I will continue to become without your presence to drag me down.

So thank you, for the memories that’ll make me look back and feel happiness and for the ones that’ll send chills down my spine.

You will never know a good thing when you see it, but I see it crystal clear now. Thank you for pushing me closer to the finish line. I am still a work in progress and you will never be apart of my journey ever again. TC mark

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