I want to believe in love again.
As in fully believe in it and know that it’s not a once in a lifetime experience but something that I can endure over and over again.
I’ve tried to imagine what my life would be like as I sought emotional freedom apart from you; the scariest part has always been this recurring thought: I’ll never love someone the way that I once loved you.
I feared the absence of hours long conversations filled with mundane topics. I was afraid that I’d never have the kind of friendship that we shared, with another man again. I feared for the relationship that I’d have with my future spouse, that they’d always fall short of the fantasy I lived in with you. That his arms wouldn’t feel like home the way that yours did.
While my love for you runs deep, it also ran its course. I had to give myself permission to give you up, as painful as that was.
It’s risky. To allow yourself to sheepishly fall for someone with no commitment or guarantee that they’d even love you back with the same tenacity.
That scary thought came crashing down when I invited the idea of allowing love back into my life. If they hurt me, who cares? None of it could compare to the hurt I experienced while trying to love you back whole.
If they lie to me, so what? None of it will ever cut as deeply as the wounds you’ve left me with.
While trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, I endured more pain than I thought was possible. We didn’t fit together in the way that we tried to come together. Loving one another recklessly, unconsciously doing more damage than good.
Getting over you seemed like an impossible task until I realized that healing was my own. I can carry the memories we shared, no matter how traumatizing, because our feelings were real – something I never want to forget.
Despite the fact that we’ve both moved on, you’ll always have a special place in my heart. My first true love, the one who showed me more sides of myself than I ever thought I’d discover.
Young, dumb and selfishly in love.
Thank you for letting me love recklessly with a soul like yours.