I thought I was prepared to see you again. It’s been about a month since I’ve seen you last and that was a train wreck in itself. It’s been a few months since we’ve spoken and that ended up with me in tears.
The girls and I were relaxed, having a few drinks and dancing to the music. I didn’t even see you first, I saw your friend, and I knew that it was just moments until I saw you, or that you were alerted that I was around.
Then it happened.
I saw you on the other side of the bar. Though it was a quick look because I didn’t want you to notice me looking at you. I instantly thought you looked cute and my friends quickly tried to think of things to say to distract me from those thoughts. Next thing we know you’re not even three feet from our table, and we knew that was on purpose.
You did a great job of proving your point that you’ve moved on and that you’re happy being the single guy. Minus the fact you were caught staring over at me umpteenth times, though I was guilty of glancing at you as well. Though you caught me a few times and it made my heart race, while your facial expression didn’t change.
I couldn’t take watching you flirt with other girls so I left though, but I waited a few moments outside for my friends. You walked right past me without batting an eyelash and that’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks.
You really just don’t care about me at all anymore, and I’ve really been fooling myself all this time thinking anything could ever be different.
The girls found me and I broke down crying because I didn’t think it’d actually come to this. I thought I was ready to see you but I guess I was wrong.
I didn’t want to face the reality of the situation, which is that you’ve moved on and I’m just a distant memory in your life. I’ve been fooling myself thinking that I’ve moved on as well and that seeing you would be a piece of cake.
It’s time for a blunt reality check in my life, and if I put it in writing maybe it’ll finally stick with my stubborn heart.
So here’s what I need to remind myself when I start missing you, wondering what you’re doing and why we couldn’t continue on how we were before everything went downhill.
I deserve someone who isn’t afraid to commit to me, and open themselves up to the opportunity to be loved, and that doesn’t put the idea of getting hurt in the forefront.
I deserve someone who won’t make me feel like a terrible person for caring about him or her. I deserve the love that I am always trying to give out. I don’t deserve to hear endless excuses, and then be ignored until I’, lonely. I don’t deserve to cry myself to sleep some nights because my heart and head are in a constant battle.
I won’t settle for mediocre love, for one-night stands or friends with benefits. I am worth so much more, and if I can’t stand up for myself and believe that then how can I expect someone else to do that for me in return?
So here’s a final goodbye, at least for now. I can’t force myself to stop loving you, just like I can’t force you to love me. I can’t control my feelings and I’ll have to learn how to deal with it in a productive way.
As much as I don’t want to, I have to close this chapter in my life. I have to move forward and see what comes next, because if I keep rereading the same chapter of my life, it’s never going to change and I’m going to be stuck in the same sorry situation, which I don’t deserve.