15 Things Babies Don’t Seem To Understand (Because, Baby Privilege)

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1. Baby privilege is being able to smile in someone’s face whilst defecating in your underwear, without a hint of remorse for your actions.

2. Baby privilege is having the audacity to become enraged and cry about the fact that you messed yourself, and that no one has come help you out of the predicament YOU put yourself in.

3. Baby privilege is having your face nestled in the buxom cleavage of some young woman without being branded a sex pest by society.

4. Baby privilege is never having to prepare a meal for yourself.

5. Baby privilege is repaying your chefs hard work, by hugging them and promptly throwing up on their shoulder whilst smiling and urinating on their shirt.

6. Baby privilege is being able to run around naked in public without being tasered by a member of law enforcement.

7. Baby privilege is being pushed around in a pram whilst outside because “society” has decided you can’t walk yet. Have you even tried to? No you haven’t.

8. Baby privilege is being able to drool in front of women, and have them consider it cute.

9. Baby privilege is having people talk to you, without feeling the need to say anything back. You’ve decided learning to make vowel sounds isn’t top of your list of priorities right now…Not when you’ve got to somehow fit sticking your foot into your mouth and licking the remote control into your hectic daily schedule. Vowels can wait!

10. Baby privilege is having an absolutely terrible sense of humour and it being accepted by the majority of society. Peek a boo is unoriginal, uninspiring, unimaginative, and barely falls into the category of humour, yet we’re fine with this humour challenged section of our society falling into fits of hysteria every time ..Why?

11. Baby privilege is deciding that you can’t sleep so no one else can.

12. Baby privilege is not having to develop reason because…f**k reason that’s why.

13. Baby privilege is having a legal loophole in place that allows you to come into direct contact with a heavily sedated woman’s private parts and not end up doing hard time. Despite the fact that you’ve been biding your time for 9 months waiting to execute your heinous plan. Disgusting.

14. Baby privilege is being able to sleep all day and not be judged for it. Is there a global recession going on? Mum and Dad fighting over money issues? Should I get a part time job? F*ck it, I need my 16 hrs sleep.

15. Baby privilege is leading a life of mediocrity. I could do something productive for the advancement of humanity today…but I think I’ll just roll from my back to my stomach for no apparent reason in front of some adults..Then I’ll just sit back and bask in the overly enthusiastic applause they give, and soak up all the praise they throw my way. TC mark

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