You only fill the idle thoughts, the thoughts that have nowhere to roam and land and be, the thoughts that come while sitting. You aren’t worth the important space. Sometimes the thoughts are forced; when already slipping away into a distant haze, sheer will power on my brain’s part to refuse to forget brings them back to life. I know it’s good to let myself be sad. I don’t feel sad, though. I feel jaded.
I want to feel the fiery passion that lit us up for the past year. Yes, the fire was poisonous, and yes it melted away our skin. But at least I felt.
It’s hard to realize that distance isn’t the only thing that keeps us apart. We are fundamentally mismatched. I know that were I to move to seasoned New York from always-sunny California, I would have ended up a heap of trash in the rat-infested underworld of the L-train. I know that your mint walls would have eaten me alive, laughing at me for loving you when it’s seen so many other contenders before (and after) me. I know your incense burning would become a scent ruined into my memories. I know I would have done everything in my power to discover shreds of evidence of infidelity. Because I know we were always approaching an expiration date, one I exhausted far beyond “consume by.”
I keep deleting our iMessage conversations in my phone, thinking that’d help to delete you from the wrinkles in my brain. It sometimes works, but only until a new conversation is started when you decide to fancy me with a lazy “Hi.” It would be untruthful if I said it didn’t light me up to see your name vibrating my phone. As if you were watching, I’d disdainfully scoff and chuck my phone face-down, only a minute later aiming to craft the perfect nonchalant response. It always just ends up being “hi” back. I am so tired of playing this game of pushing and pulling, but I know it won’t stop. I am relentless in trying to confuse you and hurt you the way you did me. My scorn is beautiful to me.
I cannot save the drama for my mama. My drama reminds me that I once lived and that I can live again. Love me for my drama.