It’s Almost 2018 And I’m Finally Choosing To Let You Go

hands holding pine needles
Alisa Anton

Losing a person isn’t a one-time incident and you can only say that when you walk through the places that held more than what it meant, when you wake up and you feel a hollow feeling inside, and you go back through that moment and how you tried your best to move on. This is how unreliable your mind becomes when it’s forced to recall the important things. Those little details, gestures, words, that once meant everything, and you’re reminded of what you lost and how you can never have it back.

I will always remember you when it’s stormy, because you are that. A storm. And I am nothing but an aftermath. You came so unexpected, captured me right at the center. And like the storm, you were never meant to last, leaving me unprepared, and all the while vulnerable at turmoil you caused. And while they say I just have to wait for the sun to come out and say “it does get better” I’m not going to. Because things don’t get better by waiting, it gets better when you decide it will. You let yourself accept the harsh truth, the reality unfolding at your very eyes that when certain things end – new doors will open. Everything is a choice. You choose to love, to break hearts, to cheat, to mend, to forgive, and to forget.

And choosing to forget you was like choosing to exist in storms or clear skies. And that was thing – you happened to be both.

You were both the calm sea and rogue waves. The catastrophe and survival. The wrong and the right. You came at such high speed knocking down the walls I’ve built to protect myself. They say that people are bound to leave marks on one person or another but they forgot to mention that those marks are often scars. It took me years to build walls, it took you a second to leave permanent marks behind. It will remain – forever. And we all know how forever holds such infinity. It was a lot more regretful having to remember the good days with you, because everything was just so perfect you couldn’t really see it all fall apart. There was no warning. No first signs to tell me it would break down to pieces like it did. But no matter, one can only choose to be bitter after so long.

I am going to release you from all this confusion and constant wondering. I will no longer hold any part of you that I still keep in corners of my mind. I will no longer chase for something that I am not supposed to chase. Because really the only way for you to keep someone is if they want to be kept – and you don’t want that. I am choosing to dust away the pieces of yourself you left behind, no longer hoping, no longer wishing for what could possibly happen. This is me walking away from a storm.

I am releasing you, wishing nothing but the best for you. You were loved, and I know you will be again.

Only this time, just not by me. TC mark

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